Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The Single Life
three months ago i blogged that my two-year relationship ended and i’m again a single woman. it went something like, “we broke up. the end.” i didn’t feel like talking about it much then and i still don’t. perhaps i’ve finally learned enough to know better than to be consumed by the melodramatic sadness a breakup brings, or maybe the fact that i saw it coming this time cushioned the fall.
whatever the reason, i’ve been surprisingly at peace with singledom. i have zero desire to jump into anything serious anytime soon. it’s been liberating not to be waiting on anyone’s call or dealing with the stress that comes from entangling my personal well-being with someone else’s. i cannot remember the last time i found myself in this enviable position, where my heart is neither swelling nor aching.
and i like it. life is so calm lately, so full of the simple pleasures — the smelling of the roses, the easy like sunday morning. my emotions look like clear blue skies. and the thought of anything coming in to disrupt this rare internal equilibrium and my happy home life with the pups is repulsive to me. for now.
for now.
i know me and y’all likely also know that time and restlessness will create an itch that only a ravishing man can scratch. and given my history i’m sure he’ll be tall and dark-haired and wrong for me. and i’ll blog about it with a conclusion that will go something like, “we broke up. the end.”
there are times nowadays when i’ve felt that tug. it always arrives with the witching hour, around the twilight, after i’ve finished my work for the day, have had my dinner, read my book, cleaned my house and catered to the dogs. then will follow a moment of stillness when i look around, largely pleased with what i see: the safety and stability, abundance and comfort, and the unyielding warmth from the cuties. it'll absorb me and evoke a wide smile.
then something will bubble up, as much as i’d like to deny it, the feeling will rise up and wash over the moment — the desire to share it all, to sit on the couch with someone who’ll hold my hand while we watch TV.
for now it’s just a flash that disappears as quickly as it comes, but i know it will grow into a primal need as it has before, with the maddening loneliness that grows with it. i’m not there yet, and i sense i still have a ways to go. but when i do get there, i hope i’ll have the fortitude to bypass the hunt altogether and allow things to happen organically.
whatever the reason, i’ve been surprisingly at peace with singledom. i have zero desire to jump into anything serious anytime soon. it’s been liberating not to be waiting on anyone’s call or dealing with the stress that comes from entangling my personal well-being with someone else’s. i cannot remember the last time i found myself in this enviable position, where my heart is neither swelling nor aching.
and i like it. life is so calm lately, so full of the simple pleasures — the smelling of the roses, the easy like sunday morning. my emotions look like clear blue skies. and the thought of anything coming in to disrupt this rare internal equilibrium and my happy home life with the pups is repulsive to me. for now.
for now.
i know me and y’all likely also know that time and restlessness will create an itch that only a ravishing man can scratch. and given my history i’m sure he’ll be tall and dark-haired and wrong for me. and i’ll blog about it with a conclusion that will go something like, “we broke up. the end.”
there are times nowadays when i’ve felt that tug. it always arrives with the witching hour, around the twilight, after i’ve finished my work for the day, have had my dinner, read my book, cleaned my house and catered to the dogs. then will follow a moment of stillness when i look around, largely pleased with what i see: the safety and stability, abundance and comfort, and the unyielding warmth from the cuties. it'll absorb me and evoke a wide smile.
then something will bubble up, as much as i’d like to deny it, the feeling will rise up and wash over the moment — the desire to share it all, to sit on the couch with someone who’ll hold my hand while we watch TV.
for now it’s just a flash that disappears as quickly as it comes, but i know it will grow into a primal need as it has before, with the maddening loneliness that grows with it. i’m not there yet, and i sense i still have a ways to go. but when i do get there, i hope i’ll have the fortitude to bypass the hunt altogether and allow things to happen organically.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Meet the Parents
even though we had been living together for the last six months, dating for a year and a half, Mo still hadn’t met my family. this was the result of equal parts accident and intent -- ok, mostly intent. i’ll confess the thought of the Big Family Meeting made me uneasy, so i didn’t push it on Mo, who never asked. my parents, however, were asking often, and when they started up with “what should we get Marlin for the holidays?” i knew i could no longer delay the big reveal. we settled on the saturday before christmas at my parents’ house where we would exchange gifts and have dinner. my sister would be there with her husband and two kids. i would be there with Mo and my furry kid Juice. easy as pie.
truthfully, i had avoided the Big Family Meeting because it was too damn important. given that i’m 30, unmarried and jewish, such a meeting was incapable of being unimportant. and it was incapable of being easy: Mo is not jewish, nor is he russian — he’s actually a black man whose light skin allows him to regularly pass as white, a disorienting concept for most. he’s also without full-time employment, spending his free time daytrading and writing articles for Archinect. for me -- and probably Juice especially -- having him home often is a welcome treat, but for my parents, he’s probably not the guy they would have picked for me out of a crowd, especially with all the “nice jewish boys” on JDate.com.
plus, my family had grown close to my Last Serious Boyfriend and were as heartbroken as i was when things didn’t work out. during the unraveling of that relationship, my ex even told me, “tell your dad i’m sorry,” a message i relayed to my father who choked up and declared, “it’ll be hard for me to trust the next important man in your life.”
thankfully for him and me, there were plenty of unimportant men to keep me distracted until Mo came along. and while i know he’s important, i’m not sure that he’s “serious” in that one-thing-leads-to-another way that tends to be the hope of jewish parents with unmarried daughters who are 30. i feared that Mo might not be serious enough for the family introduction. his move-in was circumstantial and presumed temporary. we never discussed “our future,” never explored the mystery of “where is this going.” i always figured that our relationship would continue until it began to suck, at which point it would end, just like the relationships i’ve had before.
*******
i woke up early the day of the meeting to begin chewing my cuticles and planning my exit strategy. was that pneumonia i felt coming on? doesn’t my numb left arm signify the onset of a heart attack? no, i probably just slept wrong. Mo gets up and i begin the prep pep talk while he fixes his morning coffee — “my sister’s husband is Patrick. he probably won’t talk to you much but don’t worry about it. my parents’ dog is Chip. he’s small so careful not to step on him.” Mo is barely awake, looking at me askew, but i keep the facts coming, regaling him with details, life stories, russian proprieties he must follow in order to make the right impression. (“you have to drink vodka with my dad.”)
Mo nods, or maybe it was an eye roll. he grabs my hands and squeezes.
“it’s too early?” i ask.
“it’s too much,” he says. “you’re worrying too much. today will be fine.”
i shake him off and keep going all the same, stuffing him like a holiday turkey. more information, warnings on their temperaments. i begin to think aloud: “maybe we should develop a secret language for today, like hand signals to let each other know what’s really happening. are you getting all of this?” phone rings. it’s my Ma confirming the time and asking whether Mo has any dietary preferences.
“i was just telling him all about you guys. you know, preparing him for today,” i say.
“what type of ‘preparing’? you think we’re all monsters or something?”
“no, mom! i’m just telling him everyone’s name and profession, that’s all,” i lied. an argument could easily erupt from here. “let’s have a nice day today, please.”
“ok, fine with me. come by in the afternoon around 5 p.m.,” she instructs.
“what should i bring?”
“your boyfriend and a good attitude.”
“i always have a good attitude, damnit!! Ma?? MA???”
but she had hung up. “damnit, she knows how much i hate it when she hangs up on me!!”
i feel the steam release from my ears, followed by a big exhale. i look at Mo, who’s quietly sitting on the couch, sipping his coffee.
“you know, my family,” i start, “they’re not going to be your ideal family to walk into. hell, they’re not my ideal family to walk into.”
“the craziest people anyone knows are always in their own family,” Mo says. “when i was growing up, the fabric of our couches matched the pattern of our wallpaper. they were both plaid.”
*****
as we approach the front door of my parents’ house, i could feel the flight instinct taking over my body, making all my limbs twitch. for a moment i consider dropping the holiday presents i have in my arms, the bottle of vodka and bouquet of flowers i made Mo buy for my parents, just tossing it all aside and running toward the horizon, but Juice manages to snake her leash around my legs in a way that renders me immobile. i glance down and catch her big brown eyes, wide with encouragement. she had grown to love Mo as much as i did. there’s no reason the rest of my family wouldn’t do the same.
i look over at Mo for added encouragement and sense strain on his handsome face. in my selfish paranoia i had disregarded his feelings. immediately, my thoughts turn to his thoughts and i conclude that our thoughts are identical and still center around me. he must fear, like i fear, that the Big Family Meeting would make me too human, too flawed, too prepossessed of traits i couldn’t overcome. any remaining mystery that shrouded me — the exotic, lovable goddess i had imagined myself being in Mo’s mind — would vanish upon the unearthing of my roots, like cinderella at midnight.
door opens. cries of “hello, happy holidays” bellow from everyone. gifts are unloaded, hugs and introductions all around. my father and Mo stand facing each other, eye to eye, my two big loves, both six feet tall, dark-haired, bearded. the resemblance is undeniable. handshake. hug!
“do you drink vodka?” my pops asks.
“yes. definitely,” Mo replies, scoring points.
“good! hey Meel, i like him already. go help your mother set the table.”
and then, i don’t know. i helped set the table. we sat down, ate, drank, laughed, told stories — same as always, only now with Mo at the table. he fit in nicely, warmed up to everyone. there was no weirdness to sort though, no visibly tense moments. my family never brought up his job situation, and as i sat at the table looking over at my sister’s chinese husband and two biracial kids, i realized how silly i was to worry that Mo’s race would be an issue in my family.
my father seemed to appreciate that, like him, Mo wasn’t fond of cats, and he even found funny Mo’s story on how, during high school, Mo and friends used to record soft porn off the television in my childhood home, taking advantage of my family’s illegal “black box” that received all the cable channels, including the naughty ones. i beamed when the joke went over well, declaring dumbly, and perhaps a bit too loudly, “see, we all have the same sense of humor!!”
even Juice had a grand time, rummaging as she was through the pile of dog toys set aside for my parents’ miniature pinscher, who sat nearby looking forlorn. my sister’s kids were sparkling angels, despite my young nephew’s attempts at joining Mo as he used the restroom; and my parents and i got along splendidly, keeping our respective monster claws under wraps. Mo and i received various gift cards as holiday gifts, and were sent home with warm wishes and tupperware full of leftovers. on the whole, the night was thoroughly anticlimactic, almost unmemorable.
as the night was closing, i managed to steal a few moments with my parents for the debrief, which amounted to “so far, so good. bring him back!” on the ride home, i got the debrief from Mo, which amounted to, “overwhelming, but not bad. i could do it again.”
“‘again,’ really? it wasn’t too hard on you?”
“no, it wasn’t so bad,” Mo says with a smile. “i told you today would be fine.”
truthfully, i had avoided the Big Family Meeting because it was too damn important. given that i’m 30, unmarried and jewish, such a meeting was incapable of being unimportant. and it was incapable of being easy: Mo is not jewish, nor is he russian — he’s actually a black man whose light skin allows him to regularly pass as white, a disorienting concept for most. he’s also without full-time employment, spending his free time daytrading and writing articles for Archinect. for me -- and probably Juice especially -- having him home often is a welcome treat, but for my parents, he’s probably not the guy they would have picked for me out of a crowd, especially with all the “nice jewish boys” on JDate.com.
plus, my family had grown close to my Last Serious Boyfriend and were as heartbroken as i was when things didn’t work out. during the unraveling of that relationship, my ex even told me, “tell your dad i’m sorry,” a message i relayed to my father who choked up and declared, “it’ll be hard for me to trust the next important man in your life.”
thankfully for him and me, there were plenty of unimportant men to keep me distracted until Mo came along. and while i know he’s important, i’m not sure that he’s “serious” in that one-thing-leads-to-another way that tends to be the hope of jewish parents with unmarried daughters who are 30. i feared that Mo might not be serious enough for the family introduction. his move-in was circumstantial and presumed temporary. we never discussed “our future,” never explored the mystery of “where is this going.” i always figured that our relationship would continue until it began to suck, at which point it would end, just like the relationships i’ve had before.
*******
i woke up early the day of the meeting to begin chewing my cuticles and planning my exit strategy. was that pneumonia i felt coming on? doesn’t my numb left arm signify the onset of a heart attack? no, i probably just slept wrong. Mo gets up and i begin the prep pep talk while he fixes his morning coffee — “my sister’s husband is Patrick. he probably won’t talk to you much but don’t worry about it. my parents’ dog is Chip. he’s small so careful not to step on him.” Mo is barely awake, looking at me askew, but i keep the facts coming, regaling him with details, life stories, russian proprieties he must follow in order to make the right impression. (“you have to drink vodka with my dad.”)
Mo nods, or maybe it was an eye roll. he grabs my hands and squeezes.
“it’s too early?” i ask.
“it’s too much,” he says. “you’re worrying too much. today will be fine.”
i shake him off and keep going all the same, stuffing him like a holiday turkey. more information, warnings on their temperaments. i begin to think aloud: “maybe we should develop a secret language for today, like hand signals to let each other know what’s really happening. are you getting all of this?” phone rings. it’s my Ma confirming the time and asking whether Mo has any dietary preferences.
“i was just telling him all about you guys. you know, preparing him for today,” i say.
“what type of ‘preparing’? you think we’re all monsters or something?”
“no, mom! i’m just telling him everyone’s name and profession, that’s all,” i lied. an argument could easily erupt from here. “let’s have a nice day today, please.”
“ok, fine with me. come by in the afternoon around 5 p.m.,” she instructs.
“what should i bring?”
“your boyfriend and a good attitude.”
“i always have a good attitude, damnit!! Ma?? MA???”
but she had hung up. “damnit, she knows how much i hate it when she hangs up on me!!”
i feel the steam release from my ears, followed by a big exhale. i look at Mo, who’s quietly sitting on the couch, sipping his coffee.
“you know, my family,” i start, “they’re not going to be your ideal family to walk into. hell, they’re not my ideal family to walk into.”
“the craziest people anyone knows are always in their own family,” Mo says. “when i was growing up, the fabric of our couches matched the pattern of our wallpaper. they were both plaid.”
*****
as we approach the front door of my parents’ house, i could feel the flight instinct taking over my body, making all my limbs twitch. for a moment i consider dropping the holiday presents i have in my arms, the bottle of vodka and bouquet of flowers i made Mo buy for my parents, just tossing it all aside and running toward the horizon, but Juice manages to snake her leash around my legs in a way that renders me immobile. i glance down and catch her big brown eyes, wide with encouragement. she had grown to love Mo as much as i did. there’s no reason the rest of my family wouldn’t do the same.
i look over at Mo for added encouragement and sense strain on his handsome face. in my selfish paranoia i had disregarded his feelings. immediately, my thoughts turn to his thoughts and i conclude that our thoughts are identical and still center around me. he must fear, like i fear, that the Big Family Meeting would make me too human, too flawed, too prepossessed of traits i couldn’t overcome. any remaining mystery that shrouded me — the exotic, lovable goddess i had imagined myself being in Mo’s mind — would vanish upon the unearthing of my roots, like cinderella at midnight.
door opens. cries of “hello, happy holidays” bellow from everyone. gifts are unloaded, hugs and introductions all around. my father and Mo stand facing each other, eye to eye, my two big loves, both six feet tall, dark-haired, bearded. the resemblance is undeniable. handshake. hug!
“do you drink vodka?” my pops asks.
“yes. definitely,” Mo replies, scoring points.
“good! hey Meel, i like him already. go help your mother set the table.”
and then, i don’t know. i helped set the table. we sat down, ate, drank, laughed, told stories — same as always, only now with Mo at the table. he fit in nicely, warmed up to everyone. there was no weirdness to sort though, no visibly tense moments. my family never brought up his job situation, and as i sat at the table looking over at my sister’s chinese husband and two biracial kids, i realized how silly i was to worry that Mo’s race would be an issue in my family.
my father seemed to appreciate that, like him, Mo wasn’t fond of cats, and he even found funny Mo’s story on how, during high school, Mo and friends used to record soft porn off the television in my childhood home, taking advantage of my family’s illegal “black box” that received all the cable channels, including the naughty ones. i beamed when the joke went over well, declaring dumbly, and perhaps a bit too loudly, “see, we all have the same sense of humor!!”
even Juice had a grand time, rummaging as she was through the pile of dog toys set aside for my parents’ miniature pinscher, who sat nearby looking forlorn. my sister’s kids were sparkling angels, despite my young nephew’s attempts at joining Mo as he used the restroom; and my parents and i got along splendidly, keeping our respective monster claws under wraps. Mo and i received various gift cards as holiday gifts, and were sent home with warm wishes and tupperware full of leftovers. on the whole, the night was thoroughly anticlimactic, almost unmemorable.
as the night was closing, i managed to steal a few moments with my parents for the debrief, which amounted to “so far, so good. bring him back!” on the ride home, i got the debrief from Mo, which amounted to, “overwhelming, but not bad. i could do it again.”
“‘again,’ really? it wasn’t too hard on you?”
“no, it wasn’t so bad,” Mo says with a smile. “i told you today would be fine.”
Monday, January 23, 2006
The Mo
for starters, his real name is Marlin, not Momo, which is just my nickname for him. he's a guy i went to high school with, whom i seriously disliked in high school, regarding him as a "brooding asshole" while he sat across campus regarding me as a "goth bitch." my girlfriends tell me the mere mention of his name would cause my eyes to roll. but we had too many friends in common to avoid each other, both in high school and after, so at weddings, parties and dinners, our paths would intersect.
i'd think nothing of it, still acting like my standoffish self until that one party early last year when i found myself uncontrollably drawn to him. it spooked me, but i brushed it off because i'm cool like dat. i did tell my girlfriends about it at that time and they reminded me of my distaste for him, saying i could never date him because it would be like "recycling" men, something i advocated against. i agreed and we laughed it off, but something about it still unsettled me.
six weeks later came a dinner i knew he'd be at. and when our group was seated at the fancy restaurant, Marlin and I found ourselves sitting directly across from each other. i couldn't even look at him for the first 10 minutes, talking to everyone else around me while secretly wondering why i spent so much damn time primping for this dinner and if i had settled on the right outfit -- after changing it half a dozen times. i was nervous as all fuck.
finally, i turned to face him. he looked damn good. we began speaking. it was electric. but then our conversation took a nasty turn and became an argument. our friends eyeballed each other. i rolled my eyes. it was the same brooding asshole from high school and i must be the same goth bitch. minutes later, we stepped outside for a smoke, where we made peace and continued talking. the electric din buzzed all around us. i wished he would kiss me. but he was talking about architecture while sucking down his cigarette. our friends joined us outside. dinner was over.
another six weeks pass. i thought about him, but the absurdity of the situation prevented me from taking action. i resolved to regard the whole thing as a fluke and to carry on as a polyamorous single chick. then i got the email from Marlin who confessed to masquerading as commentator "Chris Knight" on my blog for the past year. suddenly it all made sense.
days later, we met for dinner, igniting the fiery relationship with its subsequent breakup and eventual reconcile. six months later, it's still fiery. in fact, everything about our interaction -- the bliss, the sex, the arguments -- is imbued with an intensity i have not known before. together, we are a house on fire and i am in love. fuck yeah!
but what is love truly? i took a psych(o) class in college, which defined love as something rather selfish, its focus being on the way you feel about yourself when you're with your beloved. and with Mo, i feel pretty extraordinary -- not good or great or adequate, but extraordinary. i still get butterflies when i see his name pop up on my phone. i can't stand next to him without slipping my hand into his. he makes food taste better and the sun shine brighter.
plus, i can't get enough of his conversation. we've seen very few movies together and we rarely watch television. we just don't need to. our most natural state is sitting engrossed in conversation for hours on end, talking about smart shit and stupid shit alike, our mitts entwined, dumb smiles across our faces. (our second most natural state is sleeping soundly while folded up in the most impossible Twister-esque embraces.)
who knew i'd be so much like the brooding asshole from my high school? the one whose tortured artist mystique used to annoy me, but that i now find irresistible. how is it that we share so many sensibilities? how did we both become so opinionated and affectionate and self-righteous and cynical? Mo keeps me on my toes, calling me on my shit, making me laugh until i'm in tears and pissing me off like no one else can. he never ever bores me -- and most men do.
so the Mo is the man. my man. my match. and i'm thrilled.
(check out his blog, on which i am often mentioned as "Pearl Girl.")
i'd think nothing of it, still acting like my standoffish self until that one party early last year when i found myself uncontrollably drawn to him. it spooked me, but i brushed it off because i'm cool like dat. i did tell my girlfriends about it at that time and they reminded me of my distaste for him, saying i could never date him because it would be like "recycling" men, something i advocated against. i agreed and we laughed it off, but something about it still unsettled me.
six weeks later came a dinner i knew he'd be at. and when our group was seated at the fancy restaurant, Marlin and I found ourselves sitting directly across from each other. i couldn't even look at him for the first 10 minutes, talking to everyone else around me while secretly wondering why i spent so much damn time primping for this dinner and if i had settled on the right outfit -- after changing it half a dozen times. i was nervous as all fuck.
finally, i turned to face him. he looked damn good. we began speaking. it was electric. but then our conversation took a nasty turn and became an argument. our friends eyeballed each other. i rolled my eyes. it was the same brooding asshole from high school and i must be the same goth bitch. minutes later, we stepped outside for a smoke, where we made peace and continued talking. the electric din buzzed all around us. i wished he would kiss me. but he was talking about architecture while sucking down his cigarette. our friends joined us outside. dinner was over.
another six weeks pass. i thought about him, but the absurdity of the situation prevented me from taking action. i resolved to regard the whole thing as a fluke and to carry on as a polyamorous single chick. then i got the email from Marlin who confessed to masquerading as commentator "Chris Knight" on my blog for the past year. suddenly it all made sense.
days later, we met for dinner, igniting the fiery relationship with its subsequent breakup and eventual reconcile. six months later, it's still fiery. in fact, everything about our interaction -- the bliss, the sex, the arguments -- is imbued with an intensity i have not known before. together, we are a house on fire and i am in love. fuck yeah!
but what is love truly? i took a psych(o) class in college, which defined love as something rather selfish, its focus being on the way you feel about yourself when you're with your beloved. and with Mo, i feel pretty extraordinary -- not good or great or adequate, but extraordinary. i still get butterflies when i see his name pop up on my phone. i can't stand next to him without slipping my hand into his. he makes food taste better and the sun shine brighter.
plus, i can't get enough of his conversation. we've seen very few movies together and we rarely watch television. we just don't need to. our most natural state is sitting engrossed in conversation for hours on end, talking about smart shit and stupid shit alike, our mitts entwined, dumb smiles across our faces. (our second most natural state is sleeping soundly while folded up in the most impossible Twister-esque embraces.)
who knew i'd be so much like the brooding asshole from my high school? the one whose tortured artist mystique used to annoy me, but that i now find irresistible. how is it that we share so many sensibilities? how did we both become so opinionated and affectionate and self-righteous and cynical? Mo keeps me on my toes, calling me on my shit, making me laugh until i'm in tears and pissing me off like no one else can. he never ever bores me -- and most men do.
so the Mo is the man. my man. my match. and i'm thrilled.
(check out his blog, on which i am often mentioned as "Pearl Girl.")
Labels: dating
Thursday, August 04, 2005
What else?
truthfully, there hasn't been much else going on. i'm still quite preoccupied with my new honey and returning to baseline doesn't seem doable just yet. i intend to ride this crest for as long as i can. things have settled down somewhat. that sense of urgency that kept me up 'till all hours of the night talking to him, trying to learn everything about him, is slowly being replaced by calm. there are weekends; there is time, brief as it may be. plus, i can't sustain this running on empty, where i would go into work after having slept only a few hours, yoked on coffee, distracted by butterflies and just aching to return to the love bubble.
my responsibilities wouldn't wait for me. bills? what are bills? you mean i have to put gas in my car regularly? it won't run on good vibes alone? the reality check arrived when i arrived home one day after being gone for what seemed like many lifetimes. spring in my step, i opened the door to find juice looking up at me with these puppy eyes that incised right into the space where my heart used to be before i gave it to Momo. (awww, isn't that sickly sweet? i think i'm getting a cavity. just shoot me, please. please!) her tail was still wagging, but her food and water bowls were completely dry. so damn deadbeat of me.
i'm getting it back together, ever so slowly. i'm hanging with juice more. i actually went and saw my other boyfriend gym last week for the first time in a month. i paid my bills on the first -- instead of the second -- notice this month. i picked up a book to read. i cooked some meals at home instead of engaging in midnight rendezvous at Bossa Nova. i'm doing laundry again and replying to the backlog of emails i've had sitting in my inbox. but then the weekend will come and lure me back into the cocoon. ah, the silk.
****
ack, the rats. there are rats or mice or maybe even hamsters living in the hedge in my yard. they've made a nest and there are many of them. i hear and see them scurrying up the tree, across telephone lines, along the fence and back into the hedge where they party well into the night. they never invite me over. i would bring beer. so i must evict them, but i have no idea how. juice loves them and the new drama they bring to the yard. she pokes her face into the hedge, emerging with a snout covered in sticky white flowers and spiderwebs. i worry that one will happen to be ground bound when i let her out, and she'll try to engage in a little cat-and-mouse/dog-and-rat game that will leave her bitten, possibly diseased. who knows a good exterminator?
otherwise:
-- i've been doing tons of freelance editing for an ad agency i used to freelance for before going corporate. cha-ching!
-- my boss at work resigned, leaving me and other coworkers quite uneasy. we've been assured no layoffs, though.
-- work is much more manageable now. no more overtime or stress-induced, panic-filled dreams. my part of the heaviest lifting has been done, and the unsubstantiated rumor is that i did a good job at doing my job.
-- i can't believe it's friggin august already.
-- i desperately need to go out of town.
-- i desperately need to get more sleep than i've been getting. i think i'll start right now.
my responsibilities wouldn't wait for me. bills? what are bills? you mean i have to put gas in my car regularly? it won't run on good vibes alone? the reality check arrived when i arrived home one day after being gone for what seemed like many lifetimes. spring in my step, i opened the door to find juice looking up at me with these puppy eyes that incised right into the space where my heart used to be before i gave it to Momo. (awww, isn't that sickly sweet? i think i'm getting a cavity. just shoot me, please. please!) her tail was still wagging, but her food and water bowls were completely dry. so damn deadbeat of me.
i'm getting it back together, ever so slowly. i'm hanging with juice more. i actually went and saw my other boyfriend gym last week for the first time in a month. i paid my bills on the first -- instead of the second -- notice this month. i picked up a book to read. i cooked some meals at home instead of engaging in midnight rendezvous at Bossa Nova. i'm doing laundry again and replying to the backlog of emails i've had sitting in my inbox. but then the weekend will come and lure me back into the cocoon. ah, the silk.
****
ack, the rats. there are rats or mice or maybe even hamsters living in the hedge in my yard. they've made a nest and there are many of them. i hear and see them scurrying up the tree, across telephone lines, along the fence and back into the hedge where they party well into the night. they never invite me over. i would bring beer. so i must evict them, but i have no idea how. juice loves them and the new drama they bring to the yard. she pokes her face into the hedge, emerging with a snout covered in sticky white flowers and spiderwebs. i worry that one will happen to be ground bound when i let her out, and she'll try to engage in a little cat-and-mouse/dog-and-rat game that will leave her bitten, possibly diseased. who knows a good exterminator?
otherwise:
-- i've been doing tons of freelance editing for an ad agency i used to freelance for before going corporate. cha-ching!
-- my boss at work resigned, leaving me and other coworkers quite uneasy. we've been assured no layoffs, though.
-- work is much more manageable now. no more overtime or stress-induced, panic-filled dreams. my part of the heaviest lifting has been done, and the unsubstantiated rumor is that i did a good job at doing my job.
-- i can't believe it's friggin august already.
-- i desperately need to go out of town.
-- i desperately need to get more sleep than i've been getting. i think i'll start right now.
Labels: dating
Monday, July 18, 2005
The Emperor
oh boy, oh boy. i feel uncharacteristically self-conscious writing this. it's been fraying my nerves and weighing on (what i believe to be) my usually good judgment. i find myself toeing the line between being honest and being smart, lest a blog entry come back later to bite me in the ass, as it's done too often before. it's not that i'm so afraid of embarassing myself -- i can point to many a former entry where i've excelled at being a jackass. it's just this general uneasiness that stems from privacy and perception issues. and it's likely much more an issue in my head than anywhere else. so here goes nothing about something.
better than a jewish matchmaker: why did i waste all that time with internet dating, using some cheeky profile that highlighted my big rack, when i could have instead relied on this blog to attract men? it seems so obvious to me now. about a year ago, comments began to appear on almost all my entries, signed by "chris knight." the comments were sometimes insightful, sometimes obnoxious and convoluted, but always amusing. i looked forward to reading them. i was proud to have a "groupie," to have someone i didn't know take an interest in my writings about my life.
meanwhile, i go out with my friends, many of whom i went to high school with. we were a small class, and a core group of us maintain constant contact. twice in about six weeks i run into Marlin at various group functions. Marlin, whom i never gave a shit for in high school and whom i hadn't seen in a few years, i now find myself incredibly, irresistably and inexplicably attracted to. a flirtation ensues, but it doesn't extend beyond those two meetings, though he stays in my mind.
i go on about my harem business and begin to nudge "chris knight," whose comments indicated that he lived in LA, into sending me an email, so i can meet him over coffee. a month ago i get my email.
the reveal: "chris" is Marlin; Marlin is "chris." i read through the email and sit at my desk motionless for five minutes. i never would have guessed. i get up and take an hourlong walk. it was like finding out that your secret admirer was the same guy you had your secret crush on. coupled with the weird tarot reading that predicted a new man on my horizon, it was so clear. some of my friends thought i was crazy, and that his actions were "creepy" and "deceptive." i found it very romantic -- cinematic, even. we meet for dinner and drinks the following week. sparks fly. we have a lull-less conversation. we agree to take things very very slowly. three days later, we're practically chained to each other.
feelings: i'm trying to stay out of my own way. i'm trying not to be terrified. i'm trying to stay present and open. and so far...i guess it's working. as much as i'd like to deny it, i gotta admit that i'm friggin' swooning. i get giddy after a phone call. i feel as self-possessed as a bowl of jello. my insides are mush. i feel awakened, challenged, stimulated. i've become the girl i'd ridicule -- all sprung and vulnerable, my pupils fully dilated when i look at him. (see below for photos from my party. read the captions.)
yeah. him. i'm going to avoid singing his praises here (sorry, momo), because i've already grossed myself out enough. but rest assured that he's spectacular. he's brilliant, intense, analytical, creative, stylish, passionate, tall and sexy as hell. and he's sooooo hot in the sack. (shit, i think sang his praises after all.) and he is so The Emperor, the tarot card representing a strong-willed mother fucker. he is as much his own person as i am mine. we don't take each others' shit. have i met my match? perhaps. is this love? maybe. maybe.
let's not get carried away: as great as i feel now, i'm fully aware that i won't always feel this way. but that suits me fine. i also know that i need to be here right now, doing this, whatever the outcome. and despite how it might sound, i still am incredibly realistic and grounded. my expectations are tempered. it's been only a month and i am moving at the speed of time. i see his many attributes -- and also his flaws. we've had arguments. there are wrinkles that need ironing. he's not the Mrs. but for now, he is my boyfriend. (check out his blog.) the harem is dissolved.
to summarize: i'm happy. i'm feeling big feelings. and it feels good.
better than a jewish matchmaker: why did i waste all that time with internet dating, using some cheeky profile that highlighted my big rack, when i could have instead relied on this blog to attract men? it seems so obvious to me now. about a year ago, comments began to appear on almost all my entries, signed by "chris knight." the comments were sometimes insightful, sometimes obnoxious and convoluted, but always amusing. i looked forward to reading them. i was proud to have a "groupie," to have someone i didn't know take an interest in my writings about my life.
meanwhile, i go out with my friends, many of whom i went to high school with. we were a small class, and a core group of us maintain constant contact. twice in about six weeks i run into Marlin at various group functions. Marlin, whom i never gave a shit for in high school and whom i hadn't seen in a few years, i now find myself incredibly, irresistably and inexplicably attracted to. a flirtation ensues, but it doesn't extend beyond those two meetings, though he stays in my mind.
i go on about my harem business and begin to nudge "chris knight," whose comments indicated that he lived in LA, into sending me an email, so i can meet him over coffee. a month ago i get my email.
the reveal: "chris" is Marlin; Marlin is "chris." i read through the email and sit at my desk motionless for five minutes. i never would have guessed. i get up and take an hourlong walk. it was like finding out that your secret admirer was the same guy you had your secret crush on. coupled with the weird tarot reading that predicted a new man on my horizon, it was so clear. some of my friends thought i was crazy, and that his actions were "creepy" and "deceptive." i found it very romantic -- cinematic, even. we meet for dinner and drinks the following week. sparks fly. we have a lull-less conversation. we agree to take things very very slowly. three days later, we're practically chained to each other.
feelings: i'm trying to stay out of my own way. i'm trying not to be terrified. i'm trying to stay present and open. and so far...i guess it's working. as much as i'd like to deny it, i gotta admit that i'm friggin' swooning. i get giddy after a phone call. i feel as self-possessed as a bowl of jello. my insides are mush. i feel awakened, challenged, stimulated. i've become the girl i'd ridicule -- all sprung and vulnerable, my pupils fully dilated when i look at him. (see below for photos from my party. read the captions.)
yeah. him. i'm going to avoid singing his praises here (sorry, momo), because i've already grossed myself out enough. but rest assured that he's spectacular. he's brilliant, intense, analytical, creative, stylish, passionate, tall and sexy as hell. and he's sooooo hot in the sack. (shit, i think sang his praises after all.) and he is so The Emperor, the tarot card representing a strong-willed mother fucker. he is as much his own person as i am mine. we don't take each others' shit. have i met my match? perhaps. is this love? maybe. maybe.
let's not get carried away: as great as i feel now, i'm fully aware that i won't always feel this way. but that suits me fine. i also know that i need to be here right now, doing this, whatever the outcome. and despite how it might sound, i still am incredibly realistic and grounded. my expectations are tempered. it's been only a month and i am moving at the speed of time. i see his many attributes -- and also his flaws. we've had arguments. there are wrinkles that need ironing. he's not the Mrs. but for now, he is my boyfriend. (check out his blog.) the harem is dissolved.
to summarize: i'm happy. i'm feeling big feelings. and it feels good.
Labels: dating
Monday, June 20, 2005
In the Bedroom
it occured to me recently that people might think i'm a slut. i had heard some rumblings and misinformed comments from various friends. for example, at a party in venice a month or so ago, a friend joked that i would probably end the night by taking a stranger home. granted, the jokester was more a peripheral friend and not someone who knew me well, but it still irked me, because i'm not the type of girl who takes home strangers. there have been other moments as well when people have made remarks about my chastity and, of course, all roads lead to this blog, where my harem has often assumed the spotlight.
perhaps it's sounded sexier than it is, or maybe people assume there's more to it than i've disclosed (there is), but the conclusions one may jump to after reading my ramblings can be misinformed. i don't care so much about how strangers perceive me, but i do value the opinions of my friends, so i feel compelled to set the record straight about my sex life.
and the truth is it hasn't been about hanging from the chandeliers and wild orgies. i can actually be quite shy when i'm getting to know someone physically. the idea of getting naked with a stranger is frightful. i've never been one for one-night stands because it simply isn't gratifying. i can't imagine many women are satisfied by a one-nighter where a smelly guy gets in, gets off, gets up, gets dressed and gets out. no, thank you. men have a physiological guarantee that serves them well, but women's bodies need time to flower. good sex is borne of experience with one person's body. practice makes the difference. and before the practicing begins, i need to develop a connection through conversation and emotional intimacy. and after the practicing ends, i need cuddle time and pillow talk. it goes beyond the booty call.
there's been only two men whom i've found that with -- the only two men i've let into my bedroom since i got out of my big relationship a year and a half ago. but why the polyamory? why not stick to one and have a boyfriend? truthfully, i would love to just stick to one and have a boyfriend, but neither can fill that role for me. the whys of this are complicated and personal, and probably have more to do with me being incredibly picky than it does with any shortcoming on their parts. so in the meantime, the duplicity works, because, physically, what one won't do, the other will; what one can't do, the other can. at its best, i've been a very satisfied girl. if that makes me a slut, then so be it. but i'm a selective slut. (but if i were a man in these same circumstances, i would be such a stud.)
let's move to the present and get to a very important harem update: yogaman is out, and has been for close to a month. this has caused crazy deja vu, but things are working in reverse this time. when O left initially, he went to pursue a relationship with a new girl, leaving just yogaman in the picture. O's now back for round two. now yogaman left to pursue a relationship with a new girl, leaving just O in the picture. but i'm fairly sure that yogaman will circle back eventually, too, because, like O, he knows my secret -- my mojo has a gravitational pull.
but it's been tough, suddenly being without someone who's been around for a year. i miss him terribly. but if there's one thing i've learned about love and life, it's that the way i'm feeling now is not representative of the way i'll always feel. besides, it wouldn't be fair of me to try to make a mess of his new opportunity. our relationship and breakup were already so protracted that it made sense to make a clean break. given the deja vu, i do wonder whether this is one of those instances where the universe is trying to teach me the same lesson twice. i'm not sure what that lesson could be.
so now O is the last man standing. but our visits are infrequent, averaging two to three times a month. i don't think either of us are compelled to increase their frequency. my best bet would be to add someone new to the rotation, but i have no viable options at the present, nor do i have time to lay the groundwork for something like that. i thought of perhaps trying to find a girl to add to the mix, then i realized that i'm not a lesbian. and i'm not really bisexual either. the last time i was with a girl physically -- a girl O and i shared over a year ago -- i realized in the midst of it that i wasn't all that aroused. plus, chicks can cause nonstop drama.
so i guess i'll just float here until someone new arrives. it'd be great if it were someone who could be my boyfriend, but he'd have to be pretty damn spectacular to wear that crown. my standards aren't coming down anytime soon.
according to my tarot, however, he's already here. i had another weird class last week where i drew the same card at the beginning and end of the lesson. the card was The Emperor, a powerful man who is masterful, with his shit together. i couldn't pinpoint whom the card was referencing, so my teacher craig had me draw some additional cards to clarify. i drew three more cards, one for the past, present and future. the card in the past position was the Ace of Swords, a card of a new beginning cut from a place of truth. the present card was the King of Pentacles, a hardworking man with money, and the future card was the Nine of Cups, the card of wish fulfillment. "you already know this man," craig says. "something very real will happen with him very soon, and you'll get what you want out of it."
stay tuned.
perhaps it's sounded sexier than it is, or maybe people assume there's more to it than i've disclosed (there is), but the conclusions one may jump to after reading my ramblings can be misinformed. i don't care so much about how strangers perceive me, but i do value the opinions of my friends, so i feel compelled to set the record straight about my sex life.
and the truth is it hasn't been about hanging from the chandeliers and wild orgies. i can actually be quite shy when i'm getting to know someone physically. the idea of getting naked with a stranger is frightful. i've never been one for one-night stands because it simply isn't gratifying. i can't imagine many women are satisfied by a one-nighter where a smelly guy gets in, gets off, gets up, gets dressed and gets out. no, thank you. men have a physiological guarantee that serves them well, but women's bodies need time to flower. good sex is borne of experience with one person's body. practice makes the difference. and before the practicing begins, i need to develop a connection through conversation and emotional intimacy. and after the practicing ends, i need cuddle time and pillow talk. it goes beyond the booty call.
there's been only two men whom i've found that with -- the only two men i've let into my bedroom since i got out of my big relationship a year and a half ago. but why the polyamory? why not stick to one and have a boyfriend? truthfully, i would love to just stick to one and have a boyfriend, but neither can fill that role for me. the whys of this are complicated and personal, and probably have more to do with me being incredibly picky than it does with any shortcoming on their parts. so in the meantime, the duplicity works, because, physically, what one won't do, the other will; what one can't do, the other can. at its best, i've been a very satisfied girl. if that makes me a slut, then so be it. but i'm a selective slut. (but if i were a man in these same circumstances, i would be such a stud.)
let's move to the present and get to a very important harem update: yogaman is out, and has been for close to a month. this has caused crazy deja vu, but things are working in reverse this time. when O left initially, he went to pursue a relationship with a new girl, leaving just yogaman in the picture. O's now back for round two. now yogaman left to pursue a relationship with a new girl, leaving just O in the picture. but i'm fairly sure that yogaman will circle back eventually, too, because, like O, he knows my secret -- my mojo has a gravitational pull.
but it's been tough, suddenly being without someone who's been around for a year. i miss him terribly. but if there's one thing i've learned about love and life, it's that the way i'm feeling now is not representative of the way i'll always feel. besides, it wouldn't be fair of me to try to make a mess of his new opportunity. our relationship and breakup were already so protracted that it made sense to make a clean break. given the deja vu, i do wonder whether this is one of those instances where the universe is trying to teach me the same lesson twice. i'm not sure what that lesson could be.
so now O is the last man standing. but our visits are infrequent, averaging two to three times a month. i don't think either of us are compelled to increase their frequency. my best bet would be to add someone new to the rotation, but i have no viable options at the present, nor do i have time to lay the groundwork for something like that. i thought of perhaps trying to find a girl to add to the mix, then i realized that i'm not a lesbian. and i'm not really bisexual either. the last time i was with a girl physically -- a girl O and i shared over a year ago -- i realized in the midst of it that i wasn't all that aroused. plus, chicks can cause nonstop drama.
so i guess i'll just float here until someone new arrives. it'd be great if it were someone who could be my boyfriend, but he'd have to be pretty damn spectacular to wear that crown. my standards aren't coming down anytime soon.
according to my tarot, however, he's already here. i had another weird class last week where i drew the same card at the beginning and end of the lesson. the card was The Emperor, a powerful man who is masterful, with his shit together. i couldn't pinpoint whom the card was referencing, so my teacher craig had me draw some additional cards to clarify. i drew three more cards, one for the past, present and future. the card in the past position was the Ace of Swords, a card of a new beginning cut from a place of truth. the present card was the King of Pentacles, a hardworking man with money, and the future card was the Nine of Cups, the card of wish fulfillment. "you already know this man," craig says. "something very real will happen with him very soon, and you'll get what you want out of it."
stay tuned.
Labels: dating
Monday, April 18, 2005
On Men
things have been calm on the manfront lately. this alternates between pleasing and boring me. it's not that i crave drama, but it'd be nice to get some butterflies swirling inside. as things stand lately, the only thing swirling inside is indigestion. that often happens when i eat too much spinach. but anyhow: the last time the butterflies made an appearance was when i had that great first date in early february. but that turned out to be flash in the pan. the guy and i hung out some after our date and things were moving nicely, but then it just kinda fizzled. it was weird, because the phone calls and meetings became less frequent until they virtually ceased altogether. i want to say it's because work took over, but i don't think that's true. i think we make time for what's important to us. and once the infatuation began its wane, there was no fighting it. he and i both seemed to lose interest. however short-lived, our time together was sweet and relaxed, but there can be no resurrecting it. i've moved on.
well, kind of. i may have moved on from new guy, but not from old guy(s). i've been hanging out with yogaman in recent weeks. maybe that's not exactly accurate. i guess we've been hanging out quite regularly since we "broke up" last december. it's amazing how not living together can improve a relationship and how quickly a man will want to commit to you once he finds out you're seeing someone else. but that's not a commitment i want, yet i'm still so deathly attracted to him, so for the time being we're sustaining what from the outside looks like an open relationship. (i know that ultimately this is unsustainable, but let's focus on the present.) at present, it's working out nicely as we have all the couply benefits of a relationship but without any of the bullshit. it's ideal in many ways. and now that everything's been clearly defined between us, we can spend quality time that doesn't necessarily mean nothing, though it doesn't necessarily mean everything either. i adore him relentlessly, but i don't want to be his girlfriend again. that arrangement is fairly stable, clear and calm.
i've also run into another old guy, once known simply as O. if you recall, he was from the online personals -- the only one from the personals whom i saw somewhat regularly. recently, we discovered our mutual single status and proceeded to have dinner. that turned into yet another dinner.
so now i'm basically dining on my old harem of O and yogaman. but this time i didn't have to go out in search of it; it found me. and being the chic (and impulsive) sheik that i am, i couldn't resist. not sure how frequently or how long O will stay in the picture -- he's always been a wild card -- but i don't mind the deja vu. it was fun before as well, and time and history make it even more comfortable now.
despite how exciting it might sound, this has all been quite mellow. these are men, after all, so they're not angling for marriage and a mortgage. nor am i. and i've found that once you lay out low expectations, they're more than happy to meet them. so my commitment-phobia is working in everyone's favor. monogamy is overrated.
but is it? i wonder if i'm selling myself short. i mean, this whole arrangement is adequate, but it's not extraordinary and, ultimately, i want the extraordinary. maybe i simply haven't met anyone who has wowed and wooed me yet. but maybe i'm not receptive to being wowed. i want the wow, i think, but perhaps i've become too jaded about men. the guys have seen it, said it: how i'm "emotionally unavailable," how i "shut down" and "pull away." i resist meaningful intimacy. i run.
it wasn't always like this. once upon a time, i used to fall in love so easily. i was idealistic and hopeful. i was more open to all sorts of new people and experiences. i gave everything the old college try, and i was a better listener. now, i'm far more cynical. i get annoyed easily. i see men's flaws before their assets, always searching for that instant disqualifier to move them into my "sucks" category. the world is suddenly in black and white. in my book, you're either real or you're not, you're in or you're out. there's no gray, no wonderful nuance to get lost in. i adore you or i ignore you.
how right is this new worldview? is it a function of maturity or of damage? am i now thoughtfully discerning or needlessly judgmental? is this dysfunction? maybe i'm finally being realistic. how many couples do you know that have stayed together happily and forever? sure, it happens for some but definitely not for most. maybe detachment is the best form of self-preservation. maybe there are many different ways to live and avenues for happiness. maybe my fear is allowing opportunities to pass me by.
or maybe i'm overanalyzing this whole fucking thing. i really don't know.
well, kind of. i may have moved on from new guy, but not from old guy(s). i've been hanging out with yogaman in recent weeks. maybe that's not exactly accurate. i guess we've been hanging out quite regularly since we "broke up" last december. it's amazing how not living together can improve a relationship and how quickly a man will want to commit to you once he finds out you're seeing someone else. but that's not a commitment i want, yet i'm still so deathly attracted to him, so for the time being we're sustaining what from the outside looks like an open relationship. (i know that ultimately this is unsustainable, but let's focus on the present.) at present, it's working out nicely as we have all the couply benefits of a relationship but without any of the bullshit. it's ideal in many ways. and now that everything's been clearly defined between us, we can spend quality time that doesn't necessarily mean nothing, though it doesn't necessarily mean everything either. i adore him relentlessly, but i don't want to be his girlfriend again. that arrangement is fairly stable, clear and calm.
i've also run into another old guy, once known simply as O. if you recall, he was from the online personals -- the only one from the personals whom i saw somewhat regularly. recently, we discovered our mutual single status and proceeded to have dinner. that turned into yet another dinner.
so now i'm basically dining on my old harem of O and yogaman. but this time i didn't have to go out in search of it; it found me. and being the chic (and impulsive) sheik that i am, i couldn't resist. not sure how frequently or how long O will stay in the picture -- he's always been a wild card -- but i don't mind the deja vu. it was fun before as well, and time and history make it even more comfortable now.
despite how exciting it might sound, this has all been quite mellow. these are men, after all, so they're not angling for marriage and a mortgage. nor am i. and i've found that once you lay out low expectations, they're more than happy to meet them. so my commitment-phobia is working in everyone's favor. monogamy is overrated.
but is it? i wonder if i'm selling myself short. i mean, this whole arrangement is adequate, but it's not extraordinary and, ultimately, i want the extraordinary. maybe i simply haven't met anyone who has wowed and wooed me yet. but maybe i'm not receptive to being wowed. i want the wow, i think, but perhaps i've become too jaded about men. the guys have seen it, said it: how i'm "emotionally unavailable," how i "shut down" and "pull away." i resist meaningful intimacy. i run.
it wasn't always like this. once upon a time, i used to fall in love so easily. i was idealistic and hopeful. i was more open to all sorts of new people and experiences. i gave everything the old college try, and i was a better listener. now, i'm far more cynical. i get annoyed easily. i see men's flaws before their assets, always searching for that instant disqualifier to move them into my "sucks" category. the world is suddenly in black and white. in my book, you're either real or you're not, you're in or you're out. there's no gray, no wonderful nuance to get lost in. i adore you or i ignore you.
how right is this new worldview? is it a function of maturity or of damage? am i now thoughtfully discerning or needlessly judgmental? is this dysfunction? maybe i'm finally being realistic. how many couples do you know that have stayed together happily and forever? sure, it happens for some but definitely not for most. maybe detachment is the best form of self-preservation. maybe there are many different ways to live and avenues for happiness. maybe my fear is allowing opportunities to pass me by.
or maybe i'm overanalyzing this whole fucking thing. i really don't know.
Labels: dating
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
There Goes the Nunnery
i had a date the other night. so i escaped the nunnery to go join the circus. nothing like a good jailbreak to keep things interesting. but i know that this blog can get relatively boring without the boy element, and i must take care of my public, so i'm really taking one for the team and doing it for you guys, my beloved readers. otherwise, i really didn't want to go on a date; i was happy with the new single me and didn't feel compelled to embark on any new adventures with headaches, heartaches, heartthrobs and hellraisers. but men are like my mafia -- whenever i think i'm out, they pull me back in.
i alternate between hating and loving them. i don't trust them for shit, have no faith in them, but find them undeniably irresistable. i hate that they get all the breaks, make more money than us and don't have to endure menstruation once a month. i can't stand their egos, sense of entitlement and how they strut around, thinking they own everything they touch. they're like peacocks (pun intended) that chase potential mates around flashing their brilliant feathers for some attention before moving on to the next one. am i jealous? maybe. perhaps i have penis envy. it's been said before. it's also been said that i might be a man trapped in a woman's body -- and a gay man at that. maybe that frustrates me -- having this man's mind in my head while stuck with all the limitations inherent in being a woman, including their drippy, messy hearts.
i've never been good at reconciling the two, because despite knowing better, they still suck me in. they can be so damn sexy. especially when they have strong, purposeful walks and gravelly voices. i dig that commanding presence and disarming charm. their smells, those long arms, broad shoulders and, of course, soccer thighs. i like them strong and manly, yet evolved, and infused with gentility. they can really drive me bananas. maybe it's an addiction for which i should seek help.
certainly, a smart woman can get anything she wants out of a man by using her womanhood, but a smart man can do the same. we've all been at the mercy of love, lust and infatuation before. nature isn't an idiot, and the differences between the sexes should be celebrated. and as much as i complain/exclaim about men and all their assorted, sordid proclivities, i know that i couldn't sustain my life without them.
but yes, the date. a date!! it seems like forever since i went on one. yogaman only took me to sharkeys twice before moving in and the others before him were all internet dudes, so it was nice to do it the conventional way: i met a nice guy one night at a party, gave him my phone number, he calls to ask me out, picks me up at my house, takes me to dinner and then drops me off. it felt so 'happy days.' and i was all girlie, like "what do i wear? should i leave my hair down or put it up?"
the date: thumbers-uppers, way uppers. it was very pleasant, comfortable, enjoyable. good vibes the whole night through. we began the night at a karoake bar in the valley, which seemed an unlikely choice, but it turned out quite fun. some of the singers had some major pipes on them, and the food was terrific. we had some wine, and did the getting-to-know-you chitchat. then we proceeded to the standard in downtown LA for more drinks with a few friends, one of whom was the mutual friend we met through. (thanks, juancho.) then he took me home, and we said goodnight and goodbye.
the guy: i don't get opposites attracting; my opposite would repel me so far across the room. i'm a narcissist when it comes to dating, so it's a good thing he and i were so similar. we had mucho in common, which made the conversation effortless. he's a creative cool-kid type who's well-read, worldly and stylish -- just like me! he's got a great smile, and his dark slacks outlined what may very well be soccer thighs, though i'm not positive (and yes, that's the only reason i was looking there). but the best part is that he's some five-star chef with a degree in culinary arts and a propensity for cooking for others.
the girl: i did feel girlie and it felt good. i think being single, working from home and skipping showers inhibited my femininity in recent weeks, so this provided a great reason to start using moisterizer again. and i genuinely like the guy, though i'm not entirely swept away or head-up-my-ass smitten. i am nothing if not cautious about whom i give my affection to. i am intruiged, however, as i like it when men comment on my "cute dimples" instead of my large breasts.
so yes, twas a pleasant first date, but it was only that, though i believe there's a great likelihood i'll see him again. and if i never see him again, it's just good to know that i can have a terrific first date and feel like a girl.
i alternate between hating and loving them. i don't trust them for shit, have no faith in them, but find them undeniably irresistable. i hate that they get all the breaks, make more money than us and don't have to endure menstruation once a month. i can't stand their egos, sense of entitlement and how they strut around, thinking they own everything they touch. they're like peacocks (pun intended) that chase potential mates around flashing their brilliant feathers for some attention before moving on to the next one. am i jealous? maybe. perhaps i have penis envy. it's been said before. it's also been said that i might be a man trapped in a woman's body -- and a gay man at that. maybe that frustrates me -- having this man's mind in my head while stuck with all the limitations inherent in being a woman, including their drippy, messy hearts.
i've never been good at reconciling the two, because despite knowing better, they still suck me in. they can be so damn sexy. especially when they have strong, purposeful walks and gravelly voices. i dig that commanding presence and disarming charm. their smells, those long arms, broad shoulders and, of course, soccer thighs. i like them strong and manly, yet evolved, and infused with gentility. they can really drive me bananas. maybe it's an addiction for which i should seek help.
certainly, a smart woman can get anything she wants out of a man by using her womanhood, but a smart man can do the same. we've all been at the mercy of love, lust and infatuation before. nature isn't an idiot, and the differences between the sexes should be celebrated. and as much as i complain/exclaim about men and all their assorted, sordid proclivities, i know that i couldn't sustain my life without them.
but yes, the date. a date!! it seems like forever since i went on one. yogaman only took me to sharkeys twice before moving in and the others before him were all internet dudes, so it was nice to do it the conventional way: i met a nice guy one night at a party, gave him my phone number, he calls to ask me out, picks me up at my house, takes me to dinner and then drops me off. it felt so 'happy days.' and i was all girlie, like "what do i wear? should i leave my hair down or put it up?"
the date: thumbers-uppers, way uppers. it was very pleasant, comfortable, enjoyable. good vibes the whole night through. we began the night at a karoake bar in the valley, which seemed an unlikely choice, but it turned out quite fun. some of the singers had some major pipes on them, and the food was terrific. we had some wine, and did the getting-to-know-you chitchat. then we proceeded to the standard in downtown LA for more drinks with a few friends, one of whom was the mutual friend we met through. (thanks, juancho.) then he took me home, and we said goodnight and goodbye.
the guy: i don't get opposites attracting; my opposite would repel me so far across the room. i'm a narcissist when it comes to dating, so it's a good thing he and i were so similar. we had mucho in common, which made the conversation effortless. he's a creative cool-kid type who's well-read, worldly and stylish -- just like me! he's got a great smile, and his dark slacks outlined what may very well be soccer thighs, though i'm not positive (and yes, that's the only reason i was looking there). but the best part is that he's some five-star chef with a degree in culinary arts and a propensity for cooking for others.
the girl: i did feel girlie and it felt good. i think being single, working from home and skipping showers inhibited my femininity in recent weeks, so this provided a great reason to start using moisterizer again. and i genuinely like the guy, though i'm not entirely swept away or head-up-my-ass smitten. i am nothing if not cautious about whom i give my affection to. i am intruiged, however, as i like it when men comment on my "cute dimples" instead of my large breasts.
so yes, twas a pleasant first date, but it was only that, though i believe there's a great likelihood i'll see him again. and if i never see him again, it's just good to know that i can have a terrific first date and feel like a girl.
Labels: dating
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The Boyfriend
(i figured his serving six months' time made him deserving of a post his very own. plus, i'm sure i can use it as leverage for a nice meal sometime or getting the dishes done, saying, 'remember all those nice things i wrote about you on my blog, honey?')
onward:
i'll confess i had a hard-on for him from pretty much the get-go. i remember walking into this yoga studio in my old neighborhood, which was new to me at the time, and being instantly struck by the instructor. he was tall and handsome, with ocean blue eyes that shone out of his head like a lighthouse. a positive energy swirled all around him. he had a gravelly voice and magnificent smile. i was intruiged (but i was also in a relationship, as was he).
i kept coming back to his class weekly, loving the type of yoga he was teaching, gaining strength in my own practice, and often drooling while he folded himself up like a pretzel during the more challenging poses in class. we became friendly, sometimes flirty. we had dinner together once, struck up an acquaintanceship based mainly on yoga and on other common interests we soon discovered we shared -- eastern mysticism, self-realization, better-living-through-chemistry type things.
but the lust in my heart still burned brightly, and when we both found ourselves suddenly single, a friendly dinner led to drinks at my place. this was back in april, i think. at first, i thought little of it. i had a harem to assemble and i was thrilled to have him in it, seeing him as a sort of conquest. but then things took a life of their own. we began to talk, play scrabble, call each other daily. there was neither time nor desire for anyone else. i realized that what i long regarded as a piece of meat actually had a brain. he made me laugh, and, perhaps most importantly, he made me think. we'd have fiery debates, always finding something to dissect.
and ever so slowly, he made me feel, helping me transcend my shallow state of being and reconnecting me to what i certainly have always been: a one-man woman. six months later, this is a bonafide (and healthy) relationship. he's my boyfriend now (but probably not forever).
one would assume that the best part of dating a yoga instructor is unlimited yoga at my discretion, but it's not that cushy. while i was getting free yoga at the start of our courtship, the building in which justin lived and had his studio was bought earlier this summer and he was promptly evicted, leaving him with no place to stay and no studio to conduct class in. (luckily, he had a day job.) so he began staying with me; this was in july. and the unlimited yoga? well, he's "over it," having practiced nearly every day for eight years, teaching class five nights a week for over two years, he needs a break, he's yogaed out. it's all about dodgeball now for him, and that leaves me shit out of fucking luck for my yoga practice. so no, there are no sexy one-on-one yoga sessions, but i'm working on it.
and i'm also working on my garbage baggage, the dreadful issues i've always wanted to avoid but have accrued in recent months. i'm trying to deal with them independently of him, trying not to make my problems his problems, trying not to punish him for things others have done. yet i do sometimes find myself searching for that expiration date i'm sure is stamped somewhere on his body, and i worry about cheating in a way i never had before. but it's nothing too dehabilitating, and i'm pleased with what i got. take a look...
just minutes after we shaved a mohawk into his head
he's also a terrific step-daddy for juice
onward:
i'll confess i had a hard-on for him from pretty much the get-go. i remember walking into this yoga studio in my old neighborhood, which was new to me at the time, and being instantly struck by the instructor. he was tall and handsome, with ocean blue eyes that shone out of his head like a lighthouse. a positive energy swirled all around him. he had a gravelly voice and magnificent smile. i was intruiged (but i was also in a relationship, as was he).
i kept coming back to his class weekly, loving the type of yoga he was teaching, gaining strength in my own practice, and often drooling while he folded himself up like a pretzel during the more challenging poses in class. we became friendly, sometimes flirty. we had dinner together once, struck up an acquaintanceship based mainly on yoga and on other common interests we soon discovered we shared -- eastern mysticism, self-realization, better-living-through-chemistry type things.
but the lust in my heart still burned brightly, and when we both found ourselves suddenly single, a friendly dinner led to drinks at my place. this was back in april, i think. at first, i thought little of it. i had a harem to assemble and i was thrilled to have him in it, seeing him as a sort of conquest. but then things took a life of their own. we began to talk, play scrabble, call each other daily. there was neither time nor desire for anyone else. i realized that what i long regarded as a piece of meat actually had a brain. he made me laugh, and, perhaps most importantly, he made me think. we'd have fiery debates, always finding something to dissect.
and ever so slowly, he made me feel, helping me transcend my shallow state of being and reconnecting me to what i certainly have always been: a one-man woman. six months later, this is a bonafide (and healthy) relationship. he's my boyfriend now (but probably not forever).
one would assume that the best part of dating a yoga instructor is unlimited yoga at my discretion, but it's not that cushy. while i was getting free yoga at the start of our courtship, the building in which justin lived and had his studio was bought earlier this summer and he was promptly evicted, leaving him with no place to stay and no studio to conduct class in. (luckily, he had a day job.) so he began staying with me; this was in july. and the unlimited yoga? well, he's "over it," having practiced nearly every day for eight years, teaching class five nights a week for over two years, he needs a break, he's yogaed out. it's all about dodgeball now for him, and that leaves me shit out of fucking luck for my yoga practice. so no, there are no sexy one-on-one yoga sessions, but i'm working on it.
and i'm also working on my garbage baggage, the dreadful issues i've always wanted to avoid but have accrued in recent months. i'm trying to deal with them independently of him, trying not to make my problems his problems, trying not to punish him for things others have done. yet i do sometimes find myself searching for that expiration date i'm sure is stamped somewhere on his body, and i worry about cheating in a way i never had before. but it's nothing too dehabilitating, and i'm pleased with what i got. take a look...
just minutes after we shaved a mohawk into his head
he's also a terrific step-daddy for juice
Labels: dating
Friday, May 21, 2004
Afloat in Something
the week's end finds me well, still all smiles and levity, though i have gravitated back down to earth some following last week's apex. did virtually nothing all week. saw some people, partied like a rock star, and otherwise meandered through my days with no real sense of purpose. monday means business, though, as i have freelance work lined up for next week, which means money and that i need to keep my wits about me. after this much-needed week of rest, i'm looking forward to being productive again. i have milked this nothingness for all i could, so getting serious again feels welcome right about now. well, maybe i could use another week of this (maybe a month?), but with rent day fast approaching, i have no choice but to exit fantasyland.
and speaking of exits, we have another harem update to provide. just as expected, O. is out, and that's very unfortunate. simply put, he found someone else he liked more and far be it for me to stop his pursuit of her. we had a good run, though, and enjoyed many pleasant evenings together. he will be missed, but could boomerang back into the picture again at a later date. it was all good, no hard feelings or intense sense of loss surrounding the situation. and i'm sure we'll continue knowing each other in some capacity. but for the time being, i can certainly understand the need to move on in search of other horizons. so i bid goodbye to ori -- who i know is reading this -- and offer my most sincere best wishes going forward. mwa.
and then there was one: yogaman. so terribly el-lay to be seeing my yoga instructor, but that's what it is, how it goes. so far, so good. it's mellow, pleasant and hey, i get discounted yoga now. i think i'm going to float here for a little bit, take maybe a few weeks off from the dating to regroup and better focus my energies on other parts of my life. and truthfully, it can be a little overwhelming at times, this juggling. these past few weeks of overlap between O. and yogaman did present some challenges. it's not that i have any immediate intention of rejoining the monogamous, i just need to find my rhythm, get in a groove where things are simpler. it'll happen.
in the meantime, i did have a date this past monday, and there's potential there, and i have another date planned for the weekend, but i'd rather just place these on the back burner, file them under 'save for later.' even though i have all the time in the world lately, managing all this is like a job that demands more time than i'd like to give it. but all things considered, it's definitely been worth it, and i have not a single regret.
and speaking of exits, we have another harem update to provide. just as expected, O. is out, and that's very unfortunate. simply put, he found someone else he liked more and far be it for me to stop his pursuit of her. we had a good run, though, and enjoyed many pleasant evenings together. he will be missed, but could boomerang back into the picture again at a later date. it was all good, no hard feelings or intense sense of loss surrounding the situation. and i'm sure we'll continue knowing each other in some capacity. but for the time being, i can certainly understand the need to move on in search of other horizons. so i bid goodbye to ori -- who i know is reading this -- and offer my most sincere best wishes going forward. mwa.
and then there was one: yogaman. so terribly el-lay to be seeing my yoga instructor, but that's what it is, how it goes. so far, so good. it's mellow, pleasant and hey, i get discounted yoga now. i think i'm going to float here for a little bit, take maybe a few weeks off from the dating to regroup and better focus my energies on other parts of my life. and truthfully, it can be a little overwhelming at times, this juggling. these past few weeks of overlap between O. and yogaman did present some challenges. it's not that i have any immediate intention of rejoining the monogamous, i just need to find my rhythm, get in a groove where things are simpler. it'll happen.
in the meantime, i did have a date this past monday, and there's potential there, and i have another date planned for the weekend, but i'd rather just place these on the back burner, file them under 'save for later.' even though i have all the time in the world lately, managing all this is like a job that demands more time than i'd like to give it. but all things considered, it's definitely been worth it, and i have not a single regret.
Labels: dating
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Static Electricity
...electricity that consists of isolated motionless charges (as those produced by friction)
everything is weird again, but in the best possible way. graduation is on friday and now, on tuesday, i'm all stir crazy. turned in the LAST two college papers of my life. feeling pretty damn good, smiles are finding their way onto my face again. i've got mumbo jumbo inside, too many competing forces at play. it's a scattered energy that's bouncing me all around my house with no real purpose or focus. i do, then stop, then ponder, then start again and finish, then move on. everything looks fresh. it's like i can feel the earth spinning and myself spin with it. i've gotten dizzy a few times. it's a bloodless upheaval within, a velvet revolution. i'm walking around electric, looking everyone in the eye; i can sense the inherent energy in even the smallest things around me and somehow connect. i'm tapped into the ground even though my head is in the clouds. i feel alive, alert, enchanted by the world again. in short, i'm feeling fucking fantastic as graduation approaches. it's a euphoria that borders on the delusional. joy is driving me crazy for a change. it's making me want to run up and hug strangers. i feel like i'm on ecstacy.
so yes, things are good. better than good. lots of possibility and opportunity on the horizon. oases up ahead. the job search: blah blah. i imagine it'll take about a month or six weeks to get there. in the interim, i'm going to enjoy each day off while i send out those resumes. and i'm trying to plan a weekend jaunt to san francisco soon. if anyone (Zee?) wants to drive up with me, do let me know.
harem update: i know this is the real reason anyone bothers with this thing anymore. haven't been on too many dates in recent times, and the guys responding to my profile lately seem like losers. i'm going to be proactive again real soon. O., my one steady in rotation, is still in rotation, but that might be winding down soon, or maybe it's just reaching its natural baseline, it's hard to say at this point. there's been no great calamities with it, it's just a matter responding to the curve balls life throws at you. i hope to maintain it, but we'll see how it turns out. and we may have another contender to throw into the fire, but it's also too soon to tell. it would be great if it worked out. he not from the personals; he's actually someone from real life whom i've had my eye on for quite some time. we've begun to hang out in recent weeks. he has many great attributes, including a killer body sculpted by eight years of yoga. yum.
i'm doing quite well managing all this, better than i thought i would. it's so easy for me to detach from people and situations. it's almost scary and kind of sad. it's not a matter of consciously playing the hide-your-heart game; now it's just reflex for me. i give nothing away, show no vulnerability. maybe the metamorphosis is complete -- have i become a man? i'm (thankfully) not doing all the girlie things i once did, like waiting around for phone calls or having elaborate daydreams about the guy. i'm not swooning, and i'm virtually impossible to impress. i'm just going with the flow, moving forward with zero expectations, taking everything for face value. and that feels great as well -- liberating to be this footloose and fancy-free. nothing is so hot and heavy anymore. so much better to be light and airy. the lightness of being isn't that unbearable.
everything is weird again, but in the best possible way. graduation is on friday and now, on tuesday, i'm all stir crazy. turned in the LAST two college papers of my life. feeling pretty damn good, smiles are finding their way onto my face again. i've got mumbo jumbo inside, too many competing forces at play. it's a scattered energy that's bouncing me all around my house with no real purpose or focus. i do, then stop, then ponder, then start again and finish, then move on. everything looks fresh. it's like i can feel the earth spinning and myself spin with it. i've gotten dizzy a few times. it's a bloodless upheaval within, a velvet revolution. i'm walking around electric, looking everyone in the eye; i can sense the inherent energy in even the smallest things around me and somehow connect. i'm tapped into the ground even though my head is in the clouds. i feel alive, alert, enchanted by the world again. in short, i'm feeling fucking fantastic as graduation approaches. it's a euphoria that borders on the delusional. joy is driving me crazy for a change. it's making me want to run up and hug strangers. i feel like i'm on ecstacy.
so yes, things are good. better than good. lots of possibility and opportunity on the horizon. oases up ahead. the job search: blah blah. i imagine it'll take about a month or six weeks to get there. in the interim, i'm going to enjoy each day off while i send out those resumes. and i'm trying to plan a weekend jaunt to san francisco soon. if anyone (Zee?) wants to drive up with me, do let me know.
harem update: i know this is the real reason anyone bothers with this thing anymore. haven't been on too many dates in recent times, and the guys responding to my profile lately seem like losers. i'm going to be proactive again real soon. O., my one steady in rotation, is still in rotation, but that might be winding down soon, or maybe it's just reaching its natural baseline, it's hard to say at this point. there's been no great calamities with it, it's just a matter responding to the curve balls life throws at you. i hope to maintain it, but we'll see how it turns out. and we may have another contender to throw into the fire, but it's also too soon to tell. it would be great if it worked out. he not from the personals; he's actually someone from real life whom i've had my eye on for quite some time. we've begun to hang out in recent weeks. he has many great attributes, including a killer body sculpted by eight years of yoga. yum.
i'm doing quite well managing all this, better than i thought i would. it's so easy for me to detach from people and situations. it's almost scary and kind of sad. it's not a matter of consciously playing the hide-your-heart game; now it's just reflex for me. i give nothing away, show no vulnerability. maybe the metamorphosis is complete -- have i become a man? i'm (thankfully) not doing all the girlie things i once did, like waiting around for phone calls or having elaborate daydreams about the guy. i'm not swooning, and i'm virtually impossible to impress. i'm just going with the flow, moving forward with zero expectations, taking everything for face value. and that feels great as well -- liberating to be this footloose and fancy-free. nothing is so hot and heavy anymore. so much better to be light and airy. the lightness of being isn't that unbearable.
Labels: dating
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Light, Tunnel, Action
so close now, just nine days shy of graduation. still have two papers to finish by this weekend, and a bunch of finals to grade for my TAship. still feeling a little funky, but less so than before. it's funny -- after i wrote that big 'aaaaaagh' entry, i went to bed and woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. hope this reprieve is lengthy. it's been coming in waves; my moods can last for weeks. maybe it's my cancerous nature or maybe it's my subpar reaction to circumstance. but for the present, i'm floatin, and rather contently.
had the funniest of dates last saturday. this guy (S.) has been pestering me for about a month to meet him, always at the most inopportune times. he would just send random IMs at all hours saying 'let's meet right now.' he never wanted to plan a date, it would have to be spontaneous. so i followed my impulse, as i often do, and met him in the middle of the day. what a character he was. not sure if it was the 100-degree heat or midday bloody marys, but i found him quite amusing. he was full of nervous energy, which often wrecks my vibe, but i felt quite relaxed. he insisted that we whisper our conversation because he's always paranoid that someone else will be listening in because he always listens in on other people's conversations. so we had to scoot in and talk quietly as he rubbed his thigh against mine while asking the most inappropriate questions, telling the most bizarre stories and constantly fidgeting around. he had a weird thing with pheromones and spent considerable time trying to sniff me. i was just laughing. he was super strange, but in a nonthreatening, wholly entertaining kind of way. i ducked out after about an hour and he's been pestering me for another meeting since. not sure that i'll have another impulse for it, but i may just do it again for another cheap laugh.
in other news, i made my contribution to a safer society by getting an HIV test -- negative. now that i've re-entered the risky, slutty world of (internet) dating, i figure it's only right to be conscientious of these things. even though i didn't really have cause for alarm, that waiting for the results, man, so grueling. anyone's who has lasted through it knows what i mean. your head can create all kinds of unlikely scenarios for infection. i felt queasy until the nurse lady put that paper in my hand -- negative -- and then i felt exhilirated. wanted to staple that paper onto my forehead.
i used to think that that was the worst part of being single, the not really knowing where your partners have been, but after being cheated on, i'm not sure of that anymore. the worst part of it all, for me, has had more to do with the little things: the struggle to open a jar, carrying a 40-pound bag of dog food in from the car, killing spiders perched in high places -- stuff like that. the other stuff i've come to enjoy: walking into an empty house where all my shit's my way, sleeping spread-eagle in the center of the bed (well, juice usually thwarts that plan), and, of course, being accountable to only myself.
and yes, for those wondering, i now have full custody of the juice. ex and i were doing joint custody initially, poor doggy of divorce, but now she's all mine, the way she should be. kids are usually better off staying with the mother; plus, she always loved me more. ha!
had the funniest of dates last saturday. this guy (S.) has been pestering me for about a month to meet him, always at the most inopportune times. he would just send random IMs at all hours saying 'let's meet right now.' he never wanted to plan a date, it would have to be spontaneous. so i followed my impulse, as i often do, and met him in the middle of the day. what a character he was. not sure if it was the 100-degree heat or midday bloody marys, but i found him quite amusing. he was full of nervous energy, which often wrecks my vibe, but i felt quite relaxed. he insisted that we whisper our conversation because he's always paranoid that someone else will be listening in because he always listens in on other people's conversations. so we had to scoot in and talk quietly as he rubbed his thigh against mine while asking the most inappropriate questions, telling the most bizarre stories and constantly fidgeting around. he had a weird thing with pheromones and spent considerable time trying to sniff me. i was just laughing. he was super strange, but in a nonthreatening, wholly entertaining kind of way. i ducked out after about an hour and he's been pestering me for another meeting since. not sure that i'll have another impulse for it, but i may just do it again for another cheap laugh.
in other news, i made my contribution to a safer society by getting an HIV test -- negative. now that i've re-entered the risky, slutty world of (internet) dating, i figure it's only right to be conscientious of these things. even though i didn't really have cause for alarm, that waiting for the results, man, so grueling. anyone's who has lasted through it knows what i mean. your head can create all kinds of unlikely scenarios for infection. i felt queasy until the nurse lady put that paper in my hand -- negative -- and then i felt exhilirated. wanted to staple that paper onto my forehead.
i used to think that that was the worst part of being single, the not really knowing where your partners have been, but after being cheated on, i'm not sure of that anymore. the worst part of it all, for me, has had more to do with the little things: the struggle to open a jar, carrying a 40-pound bag of dog food in from the car, killing spiders perched in high places -- stuff like that. the other stuff i've come to enjoy: walking into an empty house where all my shit's my way, sleeping spread-eagle in the center of the bed (well, juice usually thwarts that plan), and, of course, being accountable to only myself.
and yes, for those wondering, i now have full custody of the juice. ex and i were doing joint custody initially, poor doggy of divorce, but now she's all mine, the way she should be. kids are usually better off staying with the mother; plus, she always loved me more. ha!
Labels: dating
Monday, March 29, 2004
I'm Such a Bitch
check out these notes that recently found their way into my personals inbox, neither of which will get a response. this one's easily the longest introductory note i've ever seen:
I'm suffering an incurable bout of insomnia, as I am in Barcelona. I've wandered and wandered this city. It's amazing, but, alas, my feet are hurting, so I thought I would wander the available women on this here site...The tiles on the streets have seashells, and spirals.
Forgive my sales pitc/boite/hyperbole:
Going through a laundry list of my qualities I don't think means much in this environment (responding to an ad on the internet). However, with the types of people that are out there looking, I guess there is some need for it, so here it goes.
I shave my head because I am bald (the modern comb-over, i guess), blue eyes, very long eyelashes and live near the beach. I am not a skinny chap, however, I have lost over 50lbs in the last year, and am finally happy with my weight. I work out at least 3x a week.
I am a consultant for internet content companies, I help them make sense of their internet presence. I also am a photographer, and am slowly transitioning out of the internet game, into a career as a fine art photographer. I shoot as much as I can and you can often find me in the darkroom.
I also love food and wine, and love to cook not for, but, WITH someone whom I care about. For me thhis is the ultimate in collaboration, working sans recipes and only having an idea of what you want for dinner. Going to the farmer's market, fiding the perfect piece of fish and the right veggies to go with it, going home, beginning the slow cook and perhaps a museum or a nice walk, coming home and finishing this perfect dinner with the perfect wine and great conversation, sounds like a perfect day to me.
I am 32. I am originally from Nebraska, where I grew up in a very interesting and strange community.
I prefer walks at sunset to bar hopping on Sunset. That isn't to say, that I don't love getting dressed up to go out for a nice dinner, a movie or great play/show, people recently have begun calling me fancy pants. I am learning to be confident and comfortable with myself and have begun to grow past all the mental games I played with myself and others until recently.
I am looking for a person who I can establish a wonderful healthy relationship based on trust, honor and respect. Most importantly, I recognize that in order to be respected I must treat people and live in a way that deserves respect. I would rather search for a life trying to build a relationship rather then stroking my own ego.
I am very real, genuine and caring. I would consider myself very well-rounded. If you want to know more, I would love to share! I enjoy the simple things in life and do not define myself by fleeting things that come and go.
Look forward to hearing from you!
Blue Flowers,
D.
this is a poem from aforementioned poetry-soul man. i did indeed ask him for one after all. it's kind of cute in an amateurish, high-school sort of way:
"The Darkness You Deny"
I say there's a darkness I see in you.
You say I must be mistaken.
Just look at the marvelous life I lead.
Can't you see the path I've taken?
But I say that your darkness still shines through,
It can't be so easily hidden.
You say that your darkness has all gone away,
That your sins have all been forgiven.
But you're wrong, I say, to feel this way.
The darkness is nothing to run from.
It is the force that liberates -
Replaces ignorance with freedom.
You seek the light, you tell me,
For that is the only worthy goal.
But I say to you, without the dark
You have but half a soul,
For in the darkness is the power
That propels a holy wrath,
And in the black pit of the soul
Is where you must create your path.
So do not hide in pretty thoughts.
Remember the thorns with your roses.
Sit and quietly contemplate
The beauty the darkness composes.
will i be struck by lightning for this? i feel a little guilty for ridiculing all these guys (but not that guilty). but i suppose hell hath no fury...
I'm suffering an incurable bout of insomnia, as I am in Barcelona. I've wandered and wandered this city. It's amazing, but, alas, my feet are hurting, so I thought I would wander the available women on this here site...The tiles on the streets have seashells, and spirals.
Forgive my sales pitc/boite/hyperbole:
Going through a laundry list of my qualities I don't think means much in this environment (responding to an ad on the internet). However, with the types of people that are out there looking, I guess there is some need for it, so here it goes.
I shave my head because I am bald (the modern comb-over, i guess), blue eyes, very long eyelashes and live near the beach. I am not a skinny chap, however, I have lost over 50lbs in the last year, and am finally happy with my weight. I work out at least 3x a week.
I am a consultant for internet content companies, I help them make sense of their internet presence. I also am a photographer, and am slowly transitioning out of the internet game, into a career as a fine art photographer. I shoot as much as I can and you can often find me in the darkroom.
I also love food and wine, and love to cook not for, but, WITH someone whom I care about. For me thhis is the ultimate in collaboration, working sans recipes and only having an idea of what you want for dinner. Going to the farmer's market, fiding the perfect piece of fish and the right veggies to go with it, going home, beginning the slow cook and perhaps a museum or a nice walk, coming home and finishing this perfect dinner with the perfect wine and great conversation, sounds like a perfect day to me.
I am 32. I am originally from Nebraska, where I grew up in a very interesting and strange community.
I prefer walks at sunset to bar hopping on Sunset. That isn't to say, that I don't love getting dressed up to go out for a nice dinner, a movie or great play/show, people recently have begun calling me fancy pants. I am learning to be confident and comfortable with myself and have begun to grow past all the mental games I played with myself and others until recently.
I am looking for a person who I can establish a wonderful healthy relationship based on trust, honor and respect. Most importantly, I recognize that in order to be respected I must treat people and live in a way that deserves respect. I would rather search for a life trying to build a relationship rather then stroking my own ego.
I am very real, genuine and caring. I would consider myself very well-rounded. If you want to know more, I would love to share! I enjoy the simple things in life and do not define myself by fleeting things that come and go.
Look forward to hearing from you!
Blue Flowers,
D.
this is a poem from aforementioned poetry-soul man. i did indeed ask him for one after all. it's kind of cute in an amateurish, high-school sort of way:
"The Darkness You Deny"
I say there's a darkness I see in you.
You say I must be mistaken.
Just look at the marvelous life I lead.
Can't you see the path I've taken?
But I say that your darkness still shines through,
It can't be so easily hidden.
You say that your darkness has all gone away,
That your sins have all been forgiven.
But you're wrong, I say, to feel this way.
The darkness is nothing to run from.
It is the force that liberates -
Replaces ignorance with freedom.
You seek the light, you tell me,
For that is the only worthy goal.
But I say to you, without the dark
You have but half a soul,
For in the darkness is the power
That propels a holy wrath,
And in the black pit of the soul
Is where you must create your path.
So do not hide in pretty thoughts.
Remember the thorns with your roses.
Sit and quietly contemplate
The beauty the darkness composes.
will i be struck by lightning for this? i feel a little guilty for ridiculing all these guys (but not that guilty). but i suppose hell hath no fury...
Labels: dating
Saturday, March 27, 2004
Date From Hell #1
hopefully, there won't be too many more of these, but i figured i would quantify them. i should have know better, of course, as this was the guy who stood me up before. if that's not a red flag, i don't know what is, but i've always had a thing for scorpios and he was all kinds of apologetic and "give me a second chance, baby" and so forth, and i am actually a believer in second chances (though not third ones), so i acquiesced.
he (T.) was late, i was annoyed. and when he arrived he said i didn't give him the correct directions to the bar, which was bullshit, and i told him i could prove i did since i save all my chatroom exchanges. he freaked out and asked why i saved them. on a whim i said i was writing a book on internet dating, which i have been considering, and he freaked out even more.
moving on, we moved to drinks and stilted conversation which saw him going off on boring tangents about his own life. i listened as much as i could, chirping in here and there, but nothing he said really piqued my interest. at some point, i casually mentioned that i had a bowl at home which i had planned to smoke while watching 'school of rock' and hanging out with juice. (those were the evening plans he railroaded.) he then becomes convinced that we must go back to my place and smoke it and tries to convince me of this new plan. not a chance in hell.
then the conversation veers toward current events, namely the kobe bryant rape trial. can you guess where this is heading? we begin to argue, him saying the accuser was some slut who went up to his room so she knew what she was getting herself into, while i say that she could have been walking around naked in the locker room and that still doesn't give him the right to rape her. now i don't purport to know what really happened, no one can, but just the fact that he was saying she must be lying "because women lie about these things" got my engine going, and i was ready for war. we bandied it back and forth, him talking about her character and me saying that character has little to do with crime. and then when the character conversation took us to the gropinator, cali's new governor, things really went to hell.
he was convinced that all the groping accusations were no big deal, so i said i hope that he one day experiences the 'no big deal' of an enormous man grabbing his nuts without warning or invite. "feel the humiliation and violation that comes with that and then tell me it's no big deal," i told him, my eyes now fiery and my speech peppered with expletives. i also told him i hope he gets himself into a hairy mess one day, where a dick gets shoved up his ass and no one will believe him.
he then said that arnold was a shithead anyway because he couldn't speak english properly, which must make him stupid. "why can't he just get rid of his accent like actors like russell crowe can when he does movies?" whaaa? i mean, to connect an accent with IQ was the stupidiest thing i've ever heard of, and i told him so. "besides, english wasn't arnold's first language, like it was russell crowe's. it makes a difference in accent reduction." what a fucking idiot.
so then he lost his keys for some reason after both of us lost our tempers, our voices rising in the bar, though it never turned into a nasty scene. once he found his keys again, we exited the bar, looked at each other briefly, scowls on our faces, before simply walking in opposite directions without another word exchanged.
i came home, smoked my bowl and watched 'school of rock' with juice, as i should have done from the get-go. i don't regret the night, though. it will make a great story for my book.
he (T.) was late, i was annoyed. and when he arrived he said i didn't give him the correct directions to the bar, which was bullshit, and i told him i could prove i did since i save all my chatroom exchanges. he freaked out and asked why i saved them. on a whim i said i was writing a book on internet dating, which i have been considering, and he freaked out even more.
moving on, we moved to drinks and stilted conversation which saw him going off on boring tangents about his own life. i listened as much as i could, chirping in here and there, but nothing he said really piqued my interest. at some point, i casually mentioned that i had a bowl at home which i had planned to smoke while watching 'school of rock' and hanging out with juice. (those were the evening plans he railroaded.) he then becomes convinced that we must go back to my place and smoke it and tries to convince me of this new plan. not a chance in hell.
then the conversation veers toward current events, namely the kobe bryant rape trial. can you guess where this is heading? we begin to argue, him saying the accuser was some slut who went up to his room so she knew what she was getting herself into, while i say that she could have been walking around naked in the locker room and that still doesn't give him the right to rape her. now i don't purport to know what really happened, no one can, but just the fact that he was saying she must be lying "because women lie about these things" got my engine going, and i was ready for war. we bandied it back and forth, him talking about her character and me saying that character has little to do with crime. and then when the character conversation took us to the gropinator, cali's new governor, things really went to hell.
he was convinced that all the groping accusations were no big deal, so i said i hope that he one day experiences the 'no big deal' of an enormous man grabbing his nuts without warning or invite. "feel the humiliation and violation that comes with that and then tell me it's no big deal," i told him, my eyes now fiery and my speech peppered with expletives. i also told him i hope he gets himself into a hairy mess one day, where a dick gets shoved up his ass and no one will believe him.
he then said that arnold was a shithead anyway because he couldn't speak english properly, which must make him stupid. "why can't he just get rid of his accent like actors like russell crowe can when he does movies?" whaaa? i mean, to connect an accent with IQ was the stupidiest thing i've ever heard of, and i told him so. "besides, english wasn't arnold's first language, like it was russell crowe's. it makes a difference in accent reduction." what a fucking idiot.
so then he lost his keys for some reason after both of us lost our tempers, our voices rising in the bar, though it never turned into a nasty scene. once he found his keys again, we exited the bar, looked at each other briefly, scowls on our faces, before simply walking in opposite directions without another word exchanged.
i came home, smoked my bowl and watched 'school of rock' with juice, as i should have done from the get-go. i don't regret the night, though. it will make a great story for my book.
Labels: dating
Friday, March 26, 2004
Blah Blog
i've been so lazy lately and loving it. trying to enjoy the last few moments of my freedom before the end-of-the-semester shit storm hits. i have three major assignments due, none of which i've been taking too seriously, and one of which is due this monday. work hasn't been making much of an impact either -- with the occasional theater review written for NoHo>LA and the occasion work day with the dorks in culver city. so this leaves me with plenty of free time to...
-- last tuesday's date was postponed due to scheduling conflicts on his end, moved to next monday. he will be the fifth first date.
-- met O. on wednesday night (date #4), and that wasn't too shabby. there's minor chemistry there. highlights include some awkward pauses in the conversation, him telling me i was "a hard nut to crack," finding out i went to high school with his sister, and a goodnight salutation that was very promising. we meet again next thursday.
-- met W. again for lunch, date #3 from last week, and that was just lovely. i sincerely do like the person he is, and we have fabulous conversation and connection. it feels very relaxed. but, sadly, there's no animal magnetism on my end, as much as i wish there were since the guy is great. he's definite friend fodder, and i hope we can evolve there naturally.
-- might have one other date lined up for next week, though i'd rather hold off and keep it at two dates a week. again, the life stories get too confusing to juggle any more. i guess i won't be going out with chris after all and that saddens me deeply (sarcasm).
-- got about four or five other guys in the pipeline, so there aren't many dull moments in this wacky world of internet dating. i'm still amused by it all, as i was when i recently checked my inbox at the personals site and saw a message from new guy "PoetsSoul." i almost peed my pants laughing. of course he took himself all seriously, talking about the many "stacks of papers" his poetry takes up. i almost thought of asking him for a poem (so i could post it up here, of course), but thought better of it when i saw his photo and that he lived in west covina.
otherwise, things have been ok on my end. i had a few very low days awhile back where i sat around downing wine, smoking cigarettes (yes, i began again), and listening to friggin 'landslide.' i began to sink a little and feel too much. but the last few days have been more positive, upbeat. i know time has a way of making miracles happen, and i'll be patient.
-- last tuesday's date was postponed due to scheduling conflicts on his end, moved to next monday. he will be the fifth first date.
-- met O. on wednesday night (date #4), and that wasn't too shabby. there's minor chemistry there. highlights include some awkward pauses in the conversation, him telling me i was "a hard nut to crack," finding out i went to high school with his sister, and a goodnight salutation that was very promising. we meet again next thursday.
-- met W. again for lunch, date #3 from last week, and that was just lovely. i sincerely do like the person he is, and we have fabulous conversation and connection. it feels very relaxed. but, sadly, there's no animal magnetism on my end, as much as i wish there were since the guy is great. he's definite friend fodder, and i hope we can evolve there naturally.
-- might have one other date lined up for next week, though i'd rather hold off and keep it at two dates a week. again, the life stories get too confusing to juggle any more. i guess i won't be going out with chris after all and that saddens me deeply (sarcasm).
-- got about four or five other guys in the pipeline, so there aren't many dull moments in this wacky world of internet dating. i'm still amused by it all, as i was when i recently checked my inbox at the personals site and saw a message from new guy "PoetsSoul." i almost peed my pants laughing. of course he took himself all seriously, talking about the many "stacks of papers" his poetry takes up. i almost thought of asking him for a poem (so i could post it up here, of course), but thought better of it when i saw his photo and that he lived in west covina.
otherwise, things have been ok on my end. i had a few very low days awhile back where i sat around downing wine, smoking cigarettes (yes, i began again), and listening to friggin 'landslide.' i began to sink a little and feel too much. but the last few days have been more positive, upbeat. i know time has a way of making miracles happen, and i'll be patient.
Labels: dating
Thursday, March 18, 2004
More Updates
look at me procrastinating! my poor spring break is crawling away from me and i have nothing to show for it. well, my place is very close to done, so not exactly nothing. i'll post some digital pix of it up here when it's fully presentable.
now onward with the dating updates:
-- in reference to that date i mentioned in the last post, i got stood up! the nerve of some people. i guess it's just an occupational hazard of sorts, but it was rude, and i shot the dude off a nasty email telling him so. haven't heard from him, so that's the end of that one.
-- another dude, chris, so smartly googled my name when i sent him a link to an article i wrote and actually found this blog, sending me the funniest email in response. here's a snippet:
Your "hook" is..."I'm smarter than you." Funny, witty, flirty, you know?
You can't take it on face value. You've even said....nope, I'm just dumb
and sober....knowing that you are now being sarcastic and probably still do
believe in your intellectual superiority.
You even send me a link to an article that you've written, which I enjoyed.
Reviewing gay porn has always been an honorable profession in my book. For
real.
Your name is on the article. First impulse...check google to find more
articles written by you.
Wait a minute, the Milla Times?
You know where this email is heading at this point. I bet even you have a
weird squeamish feeling right now too.
All I got to say is "God, I hope I can be in the rotating harem." Please
please please!!!!!
-- (an aside: the tagline to my profile reads "i'm smarter than you," and i've gotten a cavalcade of responses from seemingly insecure men who ask "how do you know you're smarter than me if you've never even met me?" or "i don't think you're smarter than me, but we'll see about that." lame. sense of humor, please. i'm not sure why these guys are taking it as such a personal affront, but without fail, it's the lede in every response i get. on some levels it's working out well, as the calibur of men coming my way seem more interesting than before. but for others, it just overshadows the entire interaction as if it's some competition, evidenced by chris who signed his email "i'm smarter than you, chris." good job, chris, let's all congratulate him on his fancy detective work. given that it has happened before, i knew it wasn't out of the realm of possibilities when i sent him my article, but he probably won't believe that since he's so much smarter than i am. and if you're reading this, chris -- and i know that you are -- welcome to the yard where the big dogs play. but beware the alpha bitch. she bites.)
-- last night, i had a date with, let's refer to him just as w., and it wasn't a bad date. another could be better, could be worse date. yes, still too short for my taste, cute in a boyish way when i'd rather have hot in a manly way, but he wasn't too bad. a sensitive cancer type and i do love my fellow crabs. i'm a bit on the fence about a second date, but he offered to cook me dinner, so it's likely.
-- i have another date with a brand new guy on tuesday, and hopefully i can get one more lined up for next week. the biggest problem i've been having is keeping all their stories straight. i'm juggling about half a dozen in various stages of the getting-to-know-you process. i think i'm talking to so and so from that and this, when it's really so and so from this and that. i get my facts fumbled all the time; even their names are hard to keep straight. i was calling paul 'peter' for the longest time, and their professions, hometowns, life stories -- damn, it's hard to listen when you really don't care. now i know what men must go through.
-- here's another bit of my profile: WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME: Because I'm a firecracker. Because you want to find out if I'm really smarter than you. Because I'm silent when I listen and insightful when I speak. Because I hate drama but love intensity. Because I'm generous with my affection, and my compliments, though rare, are sincere. Because I can drink you under the table and write you a poem, maybe in the same night. And, finally, because I have a great rack.
now onward with the dating updates:
-- in reference to that date i mentioned in the last post, i got stood up! the nerve of some people. i guess it's just an occupational hazard of sorts, but it was rude, and i shot the dude off a nasty email telling him so. haven't heard from him, so that's the end of that one.
-- another dude, chris, so smartly googled my name when i sent him a link to an article i wrote and actually found this blog, sending me the funniest email in response. here's a snippet:
Your "hook" is..."I'm smarter than you." Funny, witty, flirty, you know?
You can't take it on face value. You've even said....nope, I'm just dumb
and sober....knowing that you are now being sarcastic and probably still do
believe in your intellectual superiority.
You even send me a link to an article that you've written, which I enjoyed.
Reviewing gay porn has always been an honorable profession in my book. For
real.
Your name is on the article. First impulse...check google to find more
articles written by you.
Wait a minute, the Milla Times?
You know where this email is heading at this point. I bet even you have a
weird squeamish feeling right now too.
All I got to say is "God, I hope I can be in the rotating harem." Please
please please!!!!!
-- (an aside: the tagline to my profile reads "i'm smarter than you," and i've gotten a cavalcade of responses from seemingly insecure men who ask "how do you know you're smarter than me if you've never even met me?" or "i don't think you're smarter than me, but we'll see about that." lame. sense of humor, please. i'm not sure why these guys are taking it as such a personal affront, but without fail, it's the lede in every response i get. on some levels it's working out well, as the calibur of men coming my way seem more interesting than before. but for others, it just overshadows the entire interaction as if it's some competition, evidenced by chris who signed his email "i'm smarter than you, chris." good job, chris, let's all congratulate him on his fancy detective work. given that it has happened before, i knew it wasn't out of the realm of possibilities when i sent him my article, but he probably won't believe that since he's so much smarter than i am. and if you're reading this, chris -- and i know that you are -- welcome to the yard where the big dogs play. but beware the alpha bitch. she bites.)
-- last night, i had a date with, let's refer to him just as w., and it wasn't a bad date. another could be better, could be worse date. yes, still too short for my taste, cute in a boyish way when i'd rather have hot in a manly way, but he wasn't too bad. a sensitive cancer type and i do love my fellow crabs. i'm a bit on the fence about a second date, but he offered to cook me dinner, so it's likely.
-- i have another date with a brand new guy on tuesday, and hopefully i can get one more lined up for next week. the biggest problem i've been having is keeping all their stories straight. i'm juggling about half a dozen in various stages of the getting-to-know-you process. i think i'm talking to so and so from that and this, when it's really so and so from this and that. i get my facts fumbled all the time; even their names are hard to keep straight. i was calling paul 'peter' for the longest time, and their professions, hometowns, life stories -- damn, it's hard to listen when you really don't care. now i know what men must go through.
-- here's another bit of my profile: WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME: Because I'm a firecracker. Because you want to find out if I'm really smarter than you. Because I'm silent when I listen and insightful when I speak. Because I hate drama but love intensity. Because I'm generous with my affection, and my compliments, though rare, are sincere. Because I can drink you under the table and write you a poem, maybe in the same night. And, finally, because I have a great rack.
Labels: dating
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Happenings
so what the hell's been up? well, a little of everything lately. the best news is that i'm on spring break all this week, though i have to work on that story i mentioned a few posts back in addition to working on my other classes, so it isn't that much of a break. at least i'll have more time to catch up on sleep and work on my house, which is finally coming together with furniture in the living room and bookshelves in the bedroom. anyone who wants to donate some healthy plants to my abode, please contact me.
and as far as the harem goes, all i can say is Rome wasn't built in a day. it often takes weeks for things to materialize, between the first contact and first meeting. the protocol, i've discovered, involves (in this order) several email exchanges, chatting via a messenger service, a few phone calls and then meeting at the bar for drinks. (i'm trying to expedite the process by cutting out the phone calls altogether.) along the way, people have a way of dropping off -- sometimes me, sometimes them -- when the idea of the other person loses its luster. i've abruptly stopped corresponding with guys when they've sent me a new photo in which i found them particularly ugly. maybe that's why some have stopped responding to me as well. who knows? but, like buses, there's always another one on the way.
nothing substantial ended up happening with the first guy i went out. we did engage in a little chatting post-date that went a little haywire. he started up with the same line of lewd commentary he pulled the night i met him when he begged me to take him home with me (which i didn't do, mind you). i suggested he show a little more class through gentle ribbing, and he got all huffy and defensive. it was strange because it didn't have to escalate, but the tone turned argumentative and i tuned out. that was the end of that.
i also met a second dude late last week, but unfortunately, he didn't interest me on any level -- not physically, mentally nor intellectually. and again, he was fucking short, maybe 5'9" though his profile said 5'11". if girls lie about their weight, guys lie about their height. plus, he was boring, but i caught a nice buzz off the drinks he kept buying me, so the night wasn't an entire wash. i have a date tomorrow night with a brand new dude who says he's 5'11". we'll see about that.
and kudos to jeremy and jenny, my fellow copy editors who pointed out that the definition of a "harem" is specific to a sheik and his brood. obviously, mine is a 21st century harem with a chick sheik -- a chic sheik! -- at its center.
and as far as the harem goes, all i can say is Rome wasn't built in a day. it often takes weeks for things to materialize, between the first contact and first meeting. the protocol, i've discovered, involves (in this order) several email exchanges, chatting via a messenger service, a few phone calls and then meeting at the bar for drinks. (i'm trying to expedite the process by cutting out the phone calls altogether.) along the way, people have a way of dropping off -- sometimes me, sometimes them -- when the idea of the other person loses its luster. i've abruptly stopped corresponding with guys when they've sent me a new photo in which i found them particularly ugly. maybe that's why some have stopped responding to me as well. who knows? but, like buses, there's always another one on the way.
nothing substantial ended up happening with the first guy i went out. we did engage in a little chatting post-date that went a little haywire. he started up with the same line of lewd commentary he pulled the night i met him when he begged me to take him home with me (which i didn't do, mind you). i suggested he show a little more class through gentle ribbing, and he got all huffy and defensive. it was strange because it didn't have to escalate, but the tone turned argumentative and i tuned out. that was the end of that.
i also met a second dude late last week, but unfortunately, he didn't interest me on any level -- not physically, mentally nor intellectually. and again, he was fucking short, maybe 5'9" though his profile said 5'11". if girls lie about their weight, guys lie about their height. plus, he was boring, but i caught a nice buzz off the drinks he kept buying me, so the night wasn't an entire wash. i have a date tomorrow night with a brand new dude who says he's 5'11". we'll see about that.
and kudos to jeremy and jenny, my fellow copy editors who pointed out that the definition of a "harem" is specific to a sheik and his brood. obviously, mine is a 21st century harem with a chick sheik -- a chic sheik! -- at its center.
Labels: dating
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
The Date
(if you're just joining us, please read the previous post before proceeding.)
it wasn't too bad -- could have been worse, i'm sure, also could have been better. after a slightly awkward start, i progressively became more comfortable and began to enjoy things. the guy was nice, intelligent, often funny, conversation easily flowed. he's a recent LA transplant from the east coast, spent the last two years teaching english in romania, spent 12 years as a latin teacher in the states. he's 36, a brown graduate, cute in a boyish way, very worldly, but SHORT. too short for my taste at 5'9". i like my heels and platform shoes, and with them on, we're eye to eye. (a 6'5" man like my last one is waaay sexier.) i tried to snap a digital photo of him to post up here, but he wouldn't go for it. i need to keep this blog secret from the dudes. one guy i was chatting with actually found it by googling my name, and i don't want that to happen again. first names only from here on out.
and the guys -- there are so many, it's crazy. didn't realize how much dick was out there. i get new responses to my profile every day. i've already struck up email exchanges with a half dozen of them. some have been interesting, others less so. one dude from the other night actually told me he hadn't been laid in two years. guys, this is something you should NOT share with a woman you hardly know and are (presumably) trying to impress. because women do indeed judge men by the women who surround them, and if no woman surrounded this man in two years, chances are that i won't want to either. he then asked me how i felt about porn and gave me the not-so-subtle impression that he was OBSESSED with it. the conversation ended shortly thereafter.
but back to the others. there are lots to choose from and i've decided to spread myself thin. (indeed, from carrie to samantha, z.) i'm thinking i need to create a harem for myself, find a handful of fun and interesting guys to put into rotation. the guy from last night could be a contender. no committments, low-maintenance, no big and complicated feelings, no boyfriends. that's what i envision for myself this year. fuck you, if you judge me. this is my show, and after spending 10 years in unsuccessful and uneventful relationships, my only concern will (finally) be about pleasing myself.
in regard to my profile (ok, it's on nerve personals), here's a snippet: MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR: Someone with a strong sense of self. Someone who can laugh at himself. Someone who knows what he's doing in the boardroom, bedroom and kitchen.
maybe i should put something in there about height?
it wasn't too bad -- could have been worse, i'm sure, also could have been better. after a slightly awkward start, i progressively became more comfortable and began to enjoy things. the guy was nice, intelligent, often funny, conversation easily flowed. he's a recent LA transplant from the east coast, spent the last two years teaching english in romania, spent 12 years as a latin teacher in the states. he's 36, a brown graduate, cute in a boyish way, very worldly, but SHORT. too short for my taste at 5'9". i like my heels and platform shoes, and with them on, we're eye to eye. (a 6'5" man like my last one is waaay sexier.) i tried to snap a digital photo of him to post up here, but he wouldn't go for it. i need to keep this blog secret from the dudes. one guy i was chatting with actually found it by googling my name, and i don't want that to happen again. first names only from here on out.
and the guys -- there are so many, it's crazy. didn't realize how much dick was out there. i get new responses to my profile every day. i've already struck up email exchanges with a half dozen of them. some have been interesting, others less so. one dude from the other night actually told me he hadn't been laid in two years. guys, this is something you should NOT share with a woman you hardly know and are (presumably) trying to impress. because women do indeed judge men by the women who surround them, and if no woman surrounded this man in two years, chances are that i won't want to either. he then asked me how i felt about porn and gave me the not-so-subtle impression that he was OBSESSED with it. the conversation ended shortly thereafter.
but back to the others. there are lots to choose from and i've decided to spread myself thin. (indeed, from carrie to samantha, z.) i'm thinking i need to create a harem for myself, find a handful of fun and interesting guys to put into rotation. the guy from last night could be a contender. no committments, low-maintenance, no big and complicated feelings, no boyfriends. that's what i envision for myself this year. fuck you, if you judge me. this is my show, and after spending 10 years in unsuccessful and uneventful relationships, my only concern will (finally) be about pleasing myself.
in regard to my profile (ok, it's on nerve personals), here's a snippet: MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR: Someone with a strong sense of self. Someone who can laugh at himself. Someone who knows what he's doing in the boardroom, bedroom and kitchen.
maybe i should put something in there about height?
Labels: dating
Monday, March 01, 2004
Men & Money
i have neither and want both. last week was miserable for dough, as the brakes on my car went out on the way to campus, forcing me to pull into a firestone for $550 worth of repairs. then pablo calls me a few days later to tell me about the bill he got for my cell phone, which i've been using nonstop for the past month: $350. now, of course, this is money i don't have, and which, if i did have, i would use to furnish my barren living room, with its boxes still piled high in the corners.
i've been here a month now, i just paid rent today (another $1,150, all me). seems like the first time i can say a month passed slowly, but i really felt the hours in each day. i'm still trying to sort my shit out, externally and internally. working on it, trying to be all zen, accepting everything without judgment. sometimes i get further than i thought i would, but it's a painstakingly long process. i also have a lot of anger, which i need to process.
i'm proud of myself, though, if i may say. years and years ago, i would have handled things much differently, more recklessly -- been more self-destructive, found solace in a bottle, a little baggy of herb or powder, had unprotected sex with strangers. i didn't give a shit about myself then. the years of self-development and yoga have been good to me, however. i'm more centered, have good perspective, feel strong inside. doesn't mean i don't have my nights when i dust off a full bottle of wine all by lonesome, but that's not every night. and i very much enjoy living alone. true, i get lonely at times, but i deal with it.
which brings me to my next point: dating. i put an online profile out there, somewhere, and i've gotten a few responses. i actually have my first sort-of date tonight. eeeck! just drinks, but it feels completely strange, nerve wracking. and it's not because i like the guy -- truthfully, i couldn't give a shit -- but just the idea of playing the game, doing the mating dance feels so foreign (and a little exciting). i've allowed only one man to touch me in the last four years, so the thought of even letting someone take my hand makes me uneasy. but i'm sure the drinks will help me relax.
i'm obviously not open to crazy entanglements or great affairs -- that is without question. it's more dating for sport, not for love. wanna see what's out there, how it's done, have some fun while still nursing my broken heart. hopefully, it'll be a pleasant distraction, and it could make reading this blog much more enjoyable for you guys, as i'll be sure to report my happenings here. i know i probably should wait a little longer before dipping my toe in the pool, but what the hell? i want to enjoy myself again, i want to feel like a woman. i'm tired of sulking around at home, feeling pathetic.
from 'mary tyler moore' to 'sex and the city.' i'm carrie bradshaw in los angeles, this is my column. i'll take over where she left off.
i've been here a month now, i just paid rent today (another $1,150, all me). seems like the first time i can say a month passed slowly, but i really felt the hours in each day. i'm still trying to sort my shit out, externally and internally. working on it, trying to be all zen, accepting everything without judgment. sometimes i get further than i thought i would, but it's a painstakingly long process. i also have a lot of anger, which i need to process.
i'm proud of myself, though, if i may say. years and years ago, i would have handled things much differently, more recklessly -- been more self-destructive, found solace in a bottle, a little baggy of herb or powder, had unprotected sex with strangers. i didn't give a shit about myself then. the years of self-development and yoga have been good to me, however. i'm more centered, have good perspective, feel strong inside. doesn't mean i don't have my nights when i dust off a full bottle of wine all by lonesome, but that's not every night. and i very much enjoy living alone. true, i get lonely at times, but i deal with it.
which brings me to my next point: dating. i put an online profile out there, somewhere, and i've gotten a few responses. i actually have my first sort-of date tonight. eeeck! just drinks, but it feels completely strange, nerve wracking. and it's not because i like the guy -- truthfully, i couldn't give a shit -- but just the idea of playing the game, doing the mating dance feels so foreign (and a little exciting). i've allowed only one man to touch me in the last four years, so the thought of even letting someone take my hand makes me uneasy. but i'm sure the drinks will help me relax.
i'm obviously not open to crazy entanglements or great affairs -- that is without question. it's more dating for sport, not for love. wanna see what's out there, how it's done, have some fun while still nursing my broken heart. hopefully, it'll be a pleasant distraction, and it could make reading this blog much more enjoyable for you guys, as i'll be sure to report my happenings here. i know i probably should wait a little longer before dipping my toe in the pool, but what the hell? i want to enjoy myself again, i want to feel like a woman. i'm tired of sulking around at home, feeling pathetic.
from 'mary tyler moore' to 'sex and the city.' i'm carrie bradshaw in los angeles, this is my column. i'll take over where she left off.
Labels: dating
